Skirts Are Bleeding

VD, or not VD...

2010-05-20T08:33:00.002+10:00

Fabulous VD prevention posters from the 3Os and 40s (USA) can be found here.

TransMen and Fags

2010-05-20T08:21:00.002+10:00

Nice article interviewing Amos Mac, founder of Original Plumbing magazine. Clicky here for a gander.

Busy busy busy...

2010-05-20T08:19:00.003+10:00

Just realised it has been almost a month since my last update -- has been rather hectic! hmm... will try and post some bits and pieces over the next wee while.

Wolves and Sheep

2010-04-22T21:14:00.003+10:00

Whilst on the energy tangent, I have been contemplating how best to keep negative outside energy at bay without fighting fire with fire and thereby creating negative energy myself.

If someone is threatening to me or my family, on a physical level, then the obvious thing is to come back HARD at them. Someone takes a swing at you or your tribe, you knock them down and ask questions later -- there isn't any time to talk about.

But what if the threat is psychological, or psychic? My instinct is still the same -- you threaten the well-being of me or my crew and I will send you out cold and discuss it when you come around (in a psych* sense of course).

Fortunately, these threats are not as common as they might be, as I am relatively good at keeping the obvious baddies away from the start. But sometimes the odd wolf sneaks through in sheep's clothing, and I find myself suddenly cornered and having to summon all of my wit and my energy to push it away NOW. And its bloody exhausting, but what else to do? Where possible, that is, when the threat is not so big or so immediate, I will delay action and contemplate my moves and seek the past of least damage. Of course I will. But... I don't like having to play hard, and avoid it all I can, but when push comes to shove and extreme action must be taken, what's a Monster to do?

Energy, Levels

2010-04-20T22:49:00.000+10:00

Have been doing much work on my body of late, trying to get myself out of this sinusitis slump. Lots of this work has been to do with shifting energy about, from yoga to acupuncture to Thai massage. Energy blockages, stagnation, circulation...

Tried to get back to what was happening in my life when this all began, many many moons ago. I was happy enough, in some ways, but feeling very stuck and trapped in others. This was my life before study, before kink, before queer. I knew I wanted to be somewhere else, someone else, do something more and something else. I just didn't know how, or really believe that it was possible.

And I was, and had been for a long time, very conscious of being TOO MUCH, and having TOO MUCH enthusiasm, curiosity, intellect, creativity, and ENERGY. I usually had partners and friends who moved much slower than I do, and constantly felt the need to pull the brakes HARD so that I didn't lose everyone. Even now I walk more quickly than most people I know, and change concepts and tangents at what is apparently quite dazzling speed.

But for the most part, I have slowed myself down a lot. I feel sluggish, and at half-speed a fair chunk of the time. Some of this is age of course, heaven knows I'm not 25 years old anymore, but a lot of it is the toll of 20-ish years of trying to keep a lid on ME. Its all bottled up, and its eating me alive. It has to go SOMEWHERE, and turned inwards it has just turned destructive.

(I remember, too, that years ago I read one of those advice columns in some magazine(it just may have been in LOTL, of all places *shhh*) where a woman had written in concerning her reluctance to get exercise, eat well, and get fit. The columnist asked her what she was afraid of, suggesting that maybe she was scared of realising her potential. For some reason this hit me hard. Did I do that?)

And so I wonder how much of this physical ickiness is brought about my patterns of thinking, and the devices I have developed to get through the world. Sure, I am a hell of a lot more 'actualised' than I was when this whole health saga began, I'm out and about and all arty and queer and pervy and whatnot, but I still find myself trying to make myself smaller, and less -- less eccentric, less kooky, less scatty, less volatile, less dynamic, less of a handful, less ENERGETIC -- for fear that I will send people running if they are actually confronted with ALL of me. And I'm pretty sure it is doing me damage, but completely unsure of where to begin to change... Work backwards, perhaps, start with the physical and end up with everything else. So more yoga, more meditation, more acupuncture, more MOVEMENT. My energy needs to find its own level.

Scavenger Articles

2010-04-20T13:29:00.003+10:00

Here's a couple of bits and bobs of mine that have been published online by The Scavenger lately:

Mattilda Sycamore Bernstein interview

and Furballs or Plucked Privates?

And there is TONNES of other amazing stuff in The Scavenger too!

Doo doo doo Da da da

2010-04-15T12:59:00.001+10:00

Stole this from Maggot, and LOVE IT!

"It is not advisable, nor was it ever, to lead a Dada life. It is and it was always foolish and self-destructive to lead a Dada life because a Dada life will include by definition pranks, buffoonery, masking, deranged senses, intoxication, sabotage, taboo breaking, playing childish and/or dangerous games, waking up dead gods, and not taking education seriously."

- Andrei Codrescu

Closets

2010-04-06T19:42:00.003+10:00

A very camp older man came into work the other day. Professional type. Made some comment on the workmen downstairs in the room he was supposed to be a having a meeting in (or some such). Mock horror at their blue singlets, followed by quick retort from me re rough trade. Knowing laughs, and he was gone.

Another woman in the office commented on how different he was since he stopped pretending to be straight, and got rid of the acrylic jumpers.

And I got to pondering my own coming outs, some of them anyway, and how the very process of coming out had made me change the way I interacted with the world. Made me bolder, more assertive, more able to explore and challenge and put my foot down when people/society made crappy demands of me. Most of this is obvious, I know, but none of you reading this knew me BEFORE. When I was really shy and awkward and buttoned up, when I didn't sit in cafes on my own or ever get my tits out or travel by myself...

Farewell, Old Salt

2010-04-06T19:02:00.005+10:00

Found out the other day that an old workmate had died. He was a crusty old salt of a bloke, a Scottish sailor who worked in the printing service and sneaked a ciggie at every opportunity. Cancer got him in the end, as well it would. I hadn't seen him for quite a while, and guess I didn't know him that well anyway, but I liked him a lot...

Somebody told me that since he was made redundant he had bought a boat with his brother, planning to sail around the world. Then he got sick, and that was that.

So I got to remembering the time I almost had my head blown off, and all the things I wouldn't have done if that bullet HAD hit me. The every day near misses too, the bus that COULD have knocked you down, the cliff you could have slipped off, the deadly snake that might have bitten your bits when you wandered into the bush to pee.

And I vowed yet again never to put off the joyous things in life.

STALLED CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

2010-04-02T15:15:00.002+11:00

Working Title: Stalled
Editors: K. Bridgeman and A. Lee Crayton
Contact: stalled.the.book [at] gmail [dot] com
Submission Deadline: December 31, 2010

The range of gender non-conforming folks is broad. We are men, women, genderqueers, two-spirits, trans women/transwomen, trans men/transmen, intersex, bois, grrrls, butchs, faeries, FtMs, MtFs, tomboys, drag queens, transvestites, transexuals, queers, none or maybe all of the above?* In a society that preaches gender as rigid, fighting for gender self-determination can be challenging. For some the process is finite, traveling from point A to point B, while others wade continuously through the mire or transcend altogether. But despite the trajectory of our own personal journey, we all experience the polarizing demands of the binary.

One way these demands are evident is in sex-segregated spaces: changing stalls, detention centers, restrooms, group homes, homeless shelters, locker rooms, and security checkpoints.* These places can be hard to avoid, and interaction with them demands we make a choice about how we will present ourselves. With this anthology, we want to explore the sometimes difficult, layered, isolating, heart breaking, frightening, awkward, frustrating, challenging, funny, and/or queer experiences people are faced with in these settings. Stalled is a space for us to share our stories...

MORE INFORMATION HERE.

Moss

2010-03-29T10:54:00.003+11:00

This is simply beautiful...

New York Artist Edina Tokodi Creates Animal-Inspired Moss Graffiti

Purge

2010-03-28T23:29:00.003+11:00

Moving house. Much clutter. Time to cull.

Market stall -- four boxes less of clutter. Selling some books to mates -- maybe one less box of clutter. Throwing out CRAP -- couple of boxes (?) less of clutter. Still so much... argh! What IS it all? And why do I own it?

Getting less sentimental over time, thank heavens. But still, so many memories/ideas/identities tied to much of this stuff. Arrrgh!

Academic Wooze

2010-03-26T18:35:00.003+11:00

Changed my hours at uni today to part time so that I can work on my health. It will give me another semester to get it done, and alleviate some of the pressure of having to work when I am really ill. It needed to be done, really. Taking care of Zoo is important.

Will still be working on it as full-time as I am able though, but I now have the 'luxury' of knowing that when the pain gets too foul I can lie down/head to acupuncture/get a massage/drug myself up etc and deal with it properly. Just knowing I can do that has taken a load off already...

Smoke and Mirrors

2010-03-26T09:09:00.001+11:00

It will be two months next Wednesday since I gave up smoking. It hasn’t been easy, but then it hasn’t been as hard as I expected either. Just different.
It has mostly been a process of relearning how to exist in social situations without a cigarette in hand. Relearning? Actually, in most cases, learning – I was smoking long before I ever started clubbing or swanning around art festivals or lurking in bars and its the only way I know to be in these places. And so with each type of event or place of smoking, I have to readjust my mindset before I go. I find myself almost subconsciously imagining walking into the convenience store, finding the smokers’ lounge, lighting up, making small-talk with all the other stinky tar-babies. Not because I am hanging for a cigarette, usually, more because it is just habit, of course, its what my brain now associates with going out on the town, with drinking beer, with particular friends.

Every time I revisit these circumstances for the first time sans cigarette, I have to recognise what is happening and prepare myself for it. Yes, you will spend all of your time downstairs at Phoenix, only emerging if you really need fresh air or an ATM or chewing gum. No, you will not be able to escape the boredom of Wednesday night at the Sly by popping out to smoke at 15 minute intervals. Yes, there are certain people you will have to specifically seek out if you want to speak to them, instead of waiting to catch them up outside whilst you are both puffing away. Yes, you will have to find something else to do with your hands when someone cute is flirting with you. No, you don’t have a light.

Catholic Fry-Up

2010-03-22T13:48:00.003+11:00

If you needed any further proof that Stephen Fry is GOD, have a looksy at his work in this debate about the Catholic Church.

Hallelujah!

Heather Cassils

2010-03-17T16:10:00.002+11:00

Thinking I should post some of my fave links here, where everyone can find them and not just on facecrack.

Here's my latest wet-spot for the day, of an arty variety at least:

Heather Cassils, Visual Artist.

Goddamn. She is a body builder. And a stunt person. And does intense performances based on Greek myth, amongst other things. Oh my...

Every time I consider a more sensible 'career' I look at stuff like this and remember this is where my heart is at!

Sweet Pea

2010-03-17T15:09:00.003+11:00

Heading to work one morning last week. Small child sitting next to me on the super-crowded bus, maybe two or three (who knows? it could sit up and talk). Its mother sits opposite, its dad on the seat across the aisle. The two young and funky parents are explaining all about the bus and what is going on. This was my favourite exchange:

Child: Dad, you hair stinks!
Dad: Does it smell bad, like dirty?
Child: No, its smells pretty like perfume.
Dad: That is the lady sitting next to you.

Blush. I'm a lady, and pretty-smelling one at that!

Transsexual Empire Strikes Back

2010-03-16T20:45:00.002+11:00

And here is what we got up to for the Mardi Gras parade -- The Transsexual Empire Strikes Back float.

Whipping Girl in The Scavenger

2010-03-16T20:42:00.002+11:00

Yeah, I have been slack, will try and get back to this soon. But for now, have an interview I did with Julia Serano . Mwah!

Zoo Thousand and Ten

2010-01-01T15:54:00.003+11:00

So, its the end of the noughties and into the... umm.. tweens? Much has been posted about making the next decade better that the last, but for me, the last was pretty grand on the whole (not in chronological order):

* Met the Monster. Several times, before we finally got ourselves sorted into the MonsterUnit.
* Came out. Repeatedly. As queer, kinky, etc etc.
* Reconfigured my gender. Bye bye 'girl/woman', hello 'monster'. Works for me.
* Got my arse to Uni, got my BA (Hons) and am currently a proto-Dr. Still have days of feeling like a pretendy academic, and paranoia from the fact that I was a high-school drop out. Silly, I know.
* Started performing. Still scary. Still do it. Still not sure why, but I need to.
* Embraced my creative side again. Participated in tons of photo shoots, films, wrote for magazines etc.
* Began to read fiction again.
* Learned to dance in public without a) freaking out that I was unco or b) need to be really drunk to avoid a).
* Got a lot of ink and metal. Shaved my head a lot. Didn't shave anything else much.
* Travelled a lot, mostly on my own. Lived in Sweden, visited NZ a few times, wandered around Europe and San Fran and NYC. Lived in Perth for a bit too, which is kind of like another country.
* Lived in zillions of sharehouses. Mostly with amazing, if mad, people.
* Had many relationships of various durations and configurations. Most of them lovely at some point, lots of them quite hideous in parts. Learned a lot from all of it-- I hope.
* Was quite a trashy tart when not having relationships. Or sometimes whilst having them.
* Became part of a fabulous community of performers, artists, writers, perverts, bears, divas and other gorgeous, generous, and joyous eccentrics.
* Stopped taking many chemicals, or thinking that I had to.
* Learned to appreciate my body in entirely different ways.
* Saw stupid amounts of fantastic art around the world, and lots of great theatre.

And ever so much more. Looking forward to the next decade of consolidating and building on all of this. Bottoms up!

Paging Dr Zoo

2009-12-13T23:14:00.003+11:00

Guess its time I post a PhD update for those of you not on Facecrack:

Full draft by the end of the month.
Intention to Submit handed in very early in the new year.
Spend three months proofing etc.
Submit around the end of March.

Then:
Wait for it to come back as passed with emendations! Or (preferably) no emendations, but definitely PASSED.
Fix up any emendations, and graduate sometime later in the year.

And:
Play more with Monster.
Chill.
Get me some part-time/casual work around Uni. Data entry and coding as I have been doing, copy centre, maybe some research assistant gigs. Something I don't have to take home with me, preferably no more than 3 or 4 days a week, and with reasonable monetary reward.
Hang out in lots of art galleries.
Generally be more hands-on. Learn to drive. Learn to sew. Make stuff with glass. Etc.
Save some $$$ to travel and get a decent camera and stuff.
Volunteer. Not sure where. Maybe something with youth? Or adult literacy.
Get to some outdoor festivals/doofs etc. Wander about the countryside for a bit with the Monster, seeing where we end up.
Write some journal articles.
Write more creative stuff.
Do some photo shoots.
Sleep a lot.
Party a lot.
Feel kind of chuffed with myself.

Much to do, but getting there. Somehow I think it will all work out just fine.

A Man After Midnight

2009-12-13T22:53:00.003+11:00

This may seem odd given the number of 'woman' events I have been at recently (not woman-only, but woman-focused and mostly woman-attended), or maybe not? Anyway...

Think I am going through a boy-phase again. Not as in chasing them, but wanting to be around piles of sweaty hairy men, sniffing pits and drinking beer. I LOVE Mandy and Feisty (VERY MUCH) but last night just couldn't face heading to Dirty after the Wicked Women retrospective. I was too knackered to last long there anyway, but somehow the idea of being around that many hot dancing leather dykes sealed the decision to head home-- even though normally this is one of the major things pulling me there! Odd, but not that uncommon for me at some points I guess. Its just such a different energy when there is a bigger proportion of girls, a different way of interacting and even dancing and somehow I just feel more at 'home' with the bears/boys a lot of the time. Sure, the odd one does a double-take and has a minor head readjust but for the most part they get me, I get them, and its all much simpler.

Woof!

Food For Thought

2009-12-13T22:45:00.003+11:00

The more I write, the more I eat. I get incredibly hungry when working on the PhD, with different cravings on different days. Sweet, savoury, slimy, sticky... my body/brain demands cheese, toast with jam, chocolate soy milk, baklava, tea, sultanas, almonds, cereal (at any time of day or night), rice cakes, fruit, fizzy drinks, fried rice, pancakes, juice, eggs-- sometimes many of these within a few hours. Its bizarre.

(Its either the writing or some sort of wormy condition. Daresay it ain't itchy where the sun don't shine, but maybe should get the Monster out with the torch just in case?)

Long Time No Post

2009-12-03T23:33:00.001+11:00

Umm... kinda busy with PhD-ing, travelling about, PhD-ing, playing with Monster and... ummm... will try and write more soon!

Growing Old Disgracefully

2009-10-26T19:14:00.004+11:00

Worked out one of the things that unsettles me most in Perth yesterday-- people seem to accept that growing UP is somehow compulsary. Was asking some mates whether they were participating in the Pride Parade, and the general consensus was that this was something one did when one was young and then you retired gracefully to watch it from the sidelines. Fair enough if these mates were 70 years old, but a bit odd to me when most of them hadn't even hit 30. Hmm. It happens in other ways too, people past their mid-20s here don't play dress-ups nearly as much as my crusty old mates back home, and, well... they are all just so sensible and ADULT with careers and cars and mortgages and baby plans and whatnot. I'm beginning to feel like some sort of juvenile deliquent...

Soggy Serviettes

2009-10-26T17:15:00.004+11:00

Went out for a lovely walk on Beucott St with the Monster this morning, and stopped to grab a coffee and a spot of something tasty. When our lemon slice appeared, it was presented on a small plate, as expected, but between plate and slice was A PAPER SERVIETTE (NAPKIN).

This practice has always bewildered me. Why would you serve food, and often food designed to be eaten with a knife and fork, on top of a piece of PAPER when it alraedy on a nice ceramic plate? The paper goes soggy from the cream/sauce/grease whatever leeching out of the food, the soggy paper then gets all stuck onto your food... its just SILLY-- a waste of trees and a messy inconvenience (which then requires extra serviettes to clean up).

Does anyone know the WHY of this practice? Is it some sort of hygeine measure in case the plate isn't quite clean? Is it some sort of doily substitute, purely there for visual presentation? And if so, what time of person would be impressed by a plain paper napkin folded in half and stuck underneath their cheesecake? Perhaps its a display of wealth, as in, we're doing so well we can afford to provide a layer of soggy paper with every meal and dessert? Perhaps there is some perfectly simple reason for this which has eluded me and I am being an idiot. If so, please let me know via the comments box. Ta!

Mama Bear

2009-10-01T18:26:00.001+10:00

sometimes i am astounded at the Mama Bear within me: growling and paused ready to tear the throat out of anyone and anything who threatens my kin... maybe it is because the older i get the more that i am sure of my own instincts, my own beliefs and my own ability to take on all comers?

On Sluts, and Ethics

2009-10-01T18:05:00.002+10:00

Rules of the sandpit: Don't steal other people's toys or playlunch. Don't dump your mates for the new kid with the shiny Tonka truck. Say please and thankyou. Don't pee in your own patch. Be loyal to your mates.

Sure, certain 'non-conventional' relationship structures can require some extra thinking time to do well, but really, the basics are that simple.

And so it surprises me that some people seem to spend so much time sitting around bollocking on about complicated ethical and moral structures, trying to outdo each other on theoretical points of non-monog/poly/kinky/queer relationships, and continue to ignore the fact that if you just PLAY NICE and TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED then much pain and nonsense would be avoided.

Bah! Thank heavens for the Monster is all I can say!

Notes on The Art of Self Defence

2009-09-20T18:22:00.004+10:00

* Apologies to anyone who may have been offended by that last post. Uncle Zoo is just very tired, and burnt out by the scene/community, and needs more tea and space and less folk to fix and manage.

* Please do not fret-- I am okay really. Monster is greater than ever (awww), Midsomer Murders is on tonight, the cat is purring, I'm about to have yummo vegan dinner with Monster and a mate, my thesis-writing has made grand leaps in the last week and I have a VERY hot new inkjob to perv at. Life is, overall, very very good. I just need to keep myself safe for a while, and that means devoting energy to things that bring me joy and hope and make me laugh and remind me that the world is a grand place. At this point of writing and thinking I just don't have the brainspace or time to deal with much else.

The Art of Self-Defence

2009-09-20T18:04:00.005+10:00

The city is a dangerous place.

Went away with the Monster and some mates for the weekend, a getaway gift that was too good to refuse. Gorgeous big farmhouse, alpacas, vegie patches, wombats, rabbits, a huge bath, comfy lounges, grand beds, fireplace and PEACE AND QUIET. It was a perfect place to write, to read, to just BE and think and... I didn't want to leave, just get broadband set up and my books and papers sent there and stay for the next six months.

Back to the ghetto now. And I am panicked already-- its too noisy, too crazy, too many people wanting something from me, too much stimulation, too many people clogging up the footpaths, too many trains going past my window. I feel totally drained by this place and this community sometimes, and despite my very conscious efforts before I left here not to surround myself with mad (in a bad, messy, manipulative, destructive,not-playing-well-with-others way) folks, it seems that yet again I am collecting broken things and wondering why I am stressed every time my phone makes a text beep at me, why I jump every time the land line rings or Monster tells me she has spoken to one of our friends. Its almost always something very dramatic, and predominately negative, or so it seems, and I am frigging exhausted by it, by them, by the social worker energy I feel I am expected to maintain all of the time.

Yes, I am more than aware that I am in many ways a broken thing too. I freak and I panic and get into quite mad cycles of thinking and rant and rave. Pot, kettle, black.

All the same, this is not a healthy place for me to be in. Compassionate burnout, an attack of selfishness, whatever you call, I can't do much more of this at the moment.

So will be pulling back on more social things than I had intended-- going to far less events, having many less coffee dates with the energy vampires, staying off chat from time to time, going offline entirely for days, hibernating, doing what I need to do (writing, creating, sleeping, reading, cuddling).

Damn, I hope it works.

Speaking in Tongues

2009-09-17T11:25:00.000+10:00

'Our tongues, their tongues, tongueness. Tongue twisting, tongue lashing, tongue tying; on the tip of the tongue. Tongue wagging, tongue-and-groove, tongue-in-cheek, tongues of land; speaking in tongues. Sharp tongues, shoe tongues, harness tongues, bell tongues. Gift of tongues. Bite one's tongue, find one's tongue, hold one's tongue, lose one's tongue. Give tongue.'

-- Kathy Neustadt, 'The Folkloristics of Licking'

Ghosts

2009-09-16T12:25:00.005+10:00

20 years I spent a semester in an adolescent psych facility (basically because I wouldn't go to school, and was pretty adament and stroppy about it). It was a strange time, sad but not entirely so, and it taught me a lot in ways that weren't in the program (smoking and cutting, for a start, but also more positive things). There were magnolia trees and an old boat shed and huge gardens and much magic in the making somehow-- the buildings were formerly a convalescent hospital. I wrote poetry there, I think, worked on my moontan, and read The Bell Jar. I met my first boyfriend there. He used to wear eyeliner, listen to Nick Cave and steal his mother's brain meds.

Last night we went to visit a young friend who is in the mental health facility right next door to the one I was in. Different institution as such, but was still a little odd to be driving down that road again. It has been a long time, and I wonder where that girl ever got to...

'I used to sometimes try to catch her, but never even caught her name'

Where's Monster?

2009-09-02T19:57:00.003+10:00

'Where is Monster?'

Obviously, if I am out and about on my own, or with somebody who is not Monster, then the world has gone mad and its time to call the authorities.

'Where is Monster?' is a reasonable question if I am out clubbing solo, at a party without my monstrous companion, or am going it alone some place we would usually inhabit together.

'Where is Monster?', in a tone suggesting mild curiosity as to what the Monster is up to, cool. I like that you like the Monster, and that you care about her whereabouts and welfare. She probably likes you too.

But 'WHERE IS MONSTER?' in that sort of bewildered, demanding, interrogating manner, said when I should have the audacity to wander along King St on my way home from gallivanting on my lonesome, say from work or being inked or doing some shopping or having coffee with a mate, well...

Monster could be at home working, she could be at her art class, she could be helping a friend with some handywork, she could be doing anything really! And, while its nice that you care, please note that we are INDIVIDUAL monsters, not some sort of monsterunit that cannot move about the ghetto without our other half.

Thanks.

Loosing My Religion

2009-08-30T19:15:00.003+10:00

And my patience with the ongoing lose/loose confusion which seems to have affected almost everyone who is allowed to put finger to keyboard these days.

PLEASE NOTE

If you repeatedly misplace, cannot find, do not know the whereabouts of your car keys/underwear/mind then you do not write:

'Damn, I am always LOOSING my _____'

Unless you are to deliberately set these items free, as in:

'I cut my _____ LOOSE from the shackles of being possessed by a troll with an irresistable urge to use two Os where one O will do.'

Otherwise, you LOSE things. You are forever LOSING your ____. And if you are forever losing your underwear, you might just be loose but that is another matter...

Going Underground

2009-08-28T15:43:00.005+10:00

'By dreaming and idleness and then by intense self-discipline does the artist live...'

--Winterson, Art Objects

And so to my thesis, my current and largest art project.

I have dreamed it, I have played with, I have slept on it, I have imagined it, I have read about it and talked about it and pondered it and now... The time has come to WRITE it. Properly. No holds barred.

Intense Self Discipline now. The winter has come and almost gone again, and the writing is starting to take shape. Maybe 40-50 000 words or so (out of 85-100 000) written up, more in draft form. Time to strap myself into the hard work of edit, rewrite, edit, rewrite, add, subtract, repeat. To this end, a note to my crew:

Please do not ask me to do any more shows until I have submitted the beast. If I get the urge to strut my stuff I'll contact you. At the moment I need to reserve most if not all of my creative juices for writing.

Please don't be offended if I don't make it out to a lot of events, or don't stay hugely long when I do. I still need the odd spot of trashiness and debauchery, but I also need plenty of shuteye and large chunks of time when I don't leave the house at all (except maybe for a wake-up walk or to fetch beer).

Visitors are often welcome though, so if you are in the hood and fancy a cuppa in our backyard then feel free to text. Just don't be offended if I say no, or postpone, or start getting twitchy when you're there and boot you out after an hour.

Creative fits are not predictable at all for me. My whims are erratic, and I my hours rather eccentric, and so I don't quite know what I will do next really. I will endeavour to behave responsibly, and not comitting to very much is the best way to avoid disappointing folk.

Still, deadline is February or thereabouts. Six months of Intense Self Discipline, lower levels of social activity, more chocolate, less beer and increased levels of incoherence adn delirium and it should be done.

Love you all! Wish me luck.

I Wanna Be Adorned

2009-08-28T10:59:00.005+10:00

This is part of my latest inkjob, which starts getting coloured next Wednesday. Best mate of mine asked if the background was going to be coloured too, or whether you would be able to see my flesh behind the image. It had never occurred to me to colour the background, and the idea of it really irked me for reasons I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Then I realised that it was because I like the option to be unclothed sometimes. I am heavily adorned-- scars, tatts, piercings-- but to me they are jewellery more than clothing. An adornment rather than a covering.

My overall vision, how I imagine I would like my body to look, indeed, how it already looks I suppose, is like an old building (a temple and all *rolls eyes*). Bits of it damaged, cracked or missing altogether, worn smooth by the elements, dust collecting in the corners and crevices, random graffitti in places, the odd sparkle of stained glass and gilt...

The old grey mare ain't what she used to be...

2009-08-28T10:20:00.004+10:00

(Ain't a 'she' no more, for a start)

Lately it has become increasingly apparent that the Zoo is getting on a bit. I can't drink ten beers in an evening and then make it to work in the morning. In fact, I would be lucky to even drink the ten beers. I can't really party three nights in a row, period. Sometimes I stuggle to do three or four different activities in a day (work, write, coffee date, art, play, whatever). The idea of afterparties exhausts me, and my perfect recovery is being in bed by dawn with a crumpet and a cup of tea. I don't do any chemicals anymore really-- never could really handle them but now they just floor me. Often I don't take as much pain as I did in days past, can't cop fifty needles or an hour-long beating with nearly the same ease as when I was first a painslut.

Sometimes, shock horror, even warmup (and in dire moments, foreplay) seem necesssary.

Much of this, I know, is to do directly with the thesis beast. It sucks a lot of energy, even when I am not working on it directly. If I write for more than four or five hours a day I pretty much don't want to do anything else afterwards. And the closer I get to the end, the more intense it becomes and the less energy I have for other things: making shows, socialising, dancing etc. The next six months is going to be HARD.

Much of this is also to do with my chronic sinus pain (8 or nine years now I reckon). This had been tenporiarily relieved by magical chinese herbs, but my therapist has left and I need to source another who can do the same thing for me cos nothing anyone else has given me has worked. Sneezing and wheezing for the first two hours of most days, and often an hour or more at the end, is quite debilitating. It makes one tired, and nauseasted, and eventually very flat and sad. Not to mention the pain, the day in day out pressure in one's face and gums and eyes and head. (Am trying to get details of an amazing chinese med dude in Marrickville pronto so I can get this all sorted. Its just foul, and has a massive impact on my everyday life.)

And some of it is just to do with getting old. Physically old, but also not WANTING to do so much anymore. Or wanting to do different, often quieter, things. Quality ovedrriding quantity. Increasing discernment, and increasing realisation that its only worth surrounding yourself with roses if you take time to smell them.

And I am comfortable with most of the shifts that are taking place in my head and even my body, I feel wiser and more happy with my place in the world and with myself generally and its all good. Mostly. Sometimes though, just sometimes, I see a young'un up on the rack with that thirst and that hunger for pain and sensation and everything and for a moment I miss it...

It's not gone entirely, of course. In fact I don't think that it has gone at all. I still want to learn things and experience as much as I can and travel and meet new people and throw myself into challenging situations and expand my boundaries and question everything but somehow the energy has shifted.

I'm not who or how I used to be, but most probably that is the point.

Academia Again

2009-08-25T16:21:00.002+10:00

Something I have long suspected:

'Academics, who are sometimes critics, and often reviewers, are notorious fence-sitters, afraid of ridicule, afraid of risk, the risk and ridicule that the true writer faces every time she publishes. Unlike writers, academics draw a salary and this will be taken away from them if they back a wild horse. They do not back wild horses; they record the virtues of nags long past their prime.'

-- Winterson, Art Objects (191)

Chintz dipped in mud...

2009-08-25T15:18:00.001+10:00

'I do not think of art as Consolation. I think of it as Creation. I think of it as an energetic space that begets energetic space. Works of art do not reproduce themselves, they re-create themselves and have at the same time sufficient permanent power to create room for us, the dispossessed. In other words, art makes it possible to live in energetic space.
When I talk about creating emotion around the forbidden, I do not mean disgust around the well known. Forget the lowlife, tourist, squeaky clean middle-class bad boys who call their sex-depravity in blunt prose, fine writing. Forget the copycat girls who do not know then end of a dildo from a vacuum rod. They are only chintz dipped in mud and we are after real material. What is forbidden is scarier, sexier, unnightmared by the white-collar cataloguers of crap.'

--Winterson, Art Objects (114)

Odd Jobs

2009-08-24T21:44:00.003+10:00

Somehow started thinking of all the things I had done for money in the past 20 or so years, and came up with this (probably partial) list:

Bakery assistant. Bank teller. Bum model for a girly magazine. Manager of a second-hand record store. IT geek at the Uni computer labs. Transcribing dialogue for a voice-recognition software company. Selling ugly, dodgy 'art'works of the Harbour at Circular Quay according to a pre-written script that involved the word 'pointellism' one to many times. Customer service at a home loans company. Market research cold calling (the pork surveys were always a favourite). Face to face market research interviewing. Coding surveys. Binding books at the Uni publishing service. Selling books at the Uni copy centre. Credit card call centre. Performance art.

Actually, most of it was performance art.

Art, And Lies

2009-08-22T20:37:00.003+10:00

The other week Necortitties and I gave a lecture on queer art at the National Art School (for a predominately non-queer audience). It was a JOY to research and write up and discuss, and made me realise that maybe, just maybe, I can enjoy teaching somehow. And made me wonder (again) if perhaps I have been barking up the wrong tree, looking in the wrong places, in respects to my own academic work-- its the ART stuff that really grabs me, that makes me wet, that hardens me nipples and gets me wanting to read theory and to create beautiful objects. Writing as an artform, practice-led research, the materiality of words, art and alchemy, art and life, the texture of text...

But I digress. What I wanted to discuss here was some of the comments we got after the paper. We had given examples of some of our own performance pieces, mostly blood work, and naturally people were curious and so question time largely focussed on our process, the meaning of the pieces, the effect that making this work had on us and such. We answered as honestly as we could, and people seemed quite blown away at our frankness. I was surprised that they were surprised.

And this got me thinking about how being openly and brazenly queer contributed to my own answers. About how commonplace it has become for me to be fielding questions about how I live my life, my relationships, my kinks and such, about how the support of my community has given my the space and the strength in which to act upon and articulate my desires. About how I wasn't ashamed of anything I get up to, or who I get up to it with, and about how damned lucky I am to be where I am in the world. Blessed.

Monster Dedication

2009-08-22T20:31:00.003+10:00

Sometimes you make me feel like I'm living at the edge of the world,
'Its just the way I smile,' you said...

-- The Cure, 'Plainsong'

Home Alone

2009-07-28T02:36:00.005+10:00

Unless you count the loudly purring pussy, which of course one should.

The Monster is in Perth this week, whilst I try to write and work here in Sydney. There is LOTS to be done-- an art chapter draft due in a day or two, a proper seminar paper to be given next week... fortnightly deadlines until completion/submission of the beast... at a loss with some of it, quietly confident about other bits-- just not sure which is winning at the moment!

And a show to be reworked for Hellfire next month (the Queers will be invading-- be there!), another to be created for Wham Glam Thankyou M'aam the following week at the Rattler, an Inqui outfit to devise (boots mended and attended, and general questions of tiny dress? chaps skirt? leather hotpants? what to do with the tits? what to pack? leather jockstrap or frilly knickers?), and so much other stuff to be getting on with.

Much be gotten on with and much joy to be had, but damn I miss that Monster already. Sigh. Absence makes the parts grow fonder and all...

Call for Submissions Double Edge: The Intersection of Transgender and BDSM

2009-07-20T18:57:00.002+10:00

This call is from Raven Kaldera- contact info below...

Call For Submissions:

Double Edge: The Intersection of Transgender and BDSM

I’m looking to interview transgendered perverts of all sorts for this book, over email if we can’t meet face to face. I’m looking for people who openly identify as transgendered in the BDSM communities they move in, and how that identity affects their partners and their activities. I’m looking for people who shapeshifted their bodies and transitioned their identities, and how that changed their BDSM relationships and fetishes. I’m looking for people who publicly hold third gender space in BDSM contexts, and how they interface with the demographic. I’m looking for transpeople in power exchange relationships who are willing to talk about how their perception of gender affects their perception of dominance and submission. I’m looking for FTMs and MTFs, fat and thin, old and young, all sorts. Those who end up with featured interviews will need to submit a photo of yourself, and yes, your face needs to be in it. Those who don’t submit photos will be quoted throughout the work, but not get featured interviews.

I'm looking for articulate people who are willing to write or speak thoughtfully about things, not just give me one-line answers.

I’m also open to hearing from partners of transfolk who contribute to this book.

I’m also looking for photos of transfolk doing kinky things, faces or no. The photos don’t have to be professional quality, they just have to show us as the sexy and passionate and creative people we are.

If you’re willing to contribute to this book, please email me at cauldronfarm@hotmail.com and put “Double Edge” in the caption and I'll send you the email questionnaire.

Thanks,

-Raven Kaldera

BrisVegas as Blank Slate

2009-07-06T20:00:00.003+10:00

its a pretty city to be true, and a touch warmer than we have it in Sodom, but the glorious Metropolis of Brisvegas continuously reminded of other places:

a particular hill near West End reminded me of a particular hill in Lund

parts of New Farm felt like San Francisco

the skyneedle harked back to Berlin

the river made me think of Perth

the botanical gardens seemed like Sydney, or maybe Melbourne, and one gateway made me think of Central Park

and there were numerous sightings of Auckland and London

it was like wandering through a dream, all mixed up, snippets of here and there and everywhere...

Irony

2009-07-06T19:58:00.003+10:00

In Brisvegas last week for a Mother and History conference. Go out foraging for food the first night, hear chanting, look around: Pro-Abortion march going by. Not totally incongruous of course, and I don't think the two were related, but still made us smile.

Happy Anniversary Baby

2009-06-30T00:43:00.002+10:00

In just a few days, it will be a WHOLE YEAR since the Monster and I shacked up. Two cities, house renovation, thesis angst and still going strong.

Wow.

writer's block

2009-06-23T13:06:00.004+10:00

post-super-meeting ramble:

what is my thesis? what it is about? what is my argument? what am i doing? what should i present when i talk about milk and art at a 'mother' conference next month? ARRRRGH!

she is asking question, making very helpful suggestions, new ways of attack and organisation and inquiry, new methods and means and then she is asking me what i think and all i can think is...

i don't want to directly dissect the discourses being played out, i don't want to write a chronological encycolopedia of the topic/subject/object at hand, i don't want contemplate what an image might mean in a certain context and set of socio-political-econonomic circumstances, i don't want to categorise and logic my passions out of existence, i don't want to argue as much as i want to discuss and play with and dance with and seduce and be seduced by... its not the cold hard 'logic' and 'facts' of the Matter that make me wet, (it never has, and what are the facts anyway)... its the affect, the visceral response, its the twitch and nausea and phantam letdown pains and the tears and the involuntary clenching and the smell and so much stuff that can't be put on a page in tables and figures and ordering of desire and substance and all organisation is pretty much arbitrary anyway and there are so many other connections that never get played out because time and notions of reality and history always take precedence and i just want to write the whole thing in fictocrit because it is the only way that even seems to come even close to capturing any of the essence andthe taste and the spirit and the memory of my subject and maybe i could just do the whole thing in interpretive dance?

inspired to write again at least...

West End Monster

2009-06-22T12:07:00.003+10:00

Today is a Perth day somehow-- was just absentmindedly thinking we should take a trip to Freo markets this weekend, remembering the order of the UWA library and contemplating sitting by the river with a pile of books and screeching cockatoos in the trees above. Except I live back East now. Still surprises me some days, nice as it is to be here and all. I miss Bassendean Shopping Village and visiting The Baby and Pearl of Highgate pastries and EVERYTHING about Planet and meeting folk at the Scotto and late night trips to Fresh Provisions and dancing/performing at Zoo and even Pride Women's Sundowners. And my mates of course. Still, will be back for Pride party and parade. Only a few more months to go!

Lucky Stars (Free Will/V Voice)

2009-06-05T14:41:00.001+10:00

CAPRICORN [December 22–January 19] In astrology, the word "quincunx" refers to a relationship characterized by creative tension. Two planets that are in quincunx are like two people who have an odd affinity for each other, but don't speak the same language. Imagine an Italian woman and an American man meeting at a party and experiencing an immediate chemistry, even though each can barely understand what the other is saying. I bring this up, Capricorn, because these days you're in a quincunx dynamic with pretty much the whole world. To keep frustration to a minimum and enhance the excitement quotient, you should try to crack some of the foreign codes you're surrounded by.

AQUARIUS [January 20–February 18] Philosopher Buckminster Fuller said that although we are all born geniuses, the process of living tends to de-genius us. That's the bad news. The good news is that 2009 is one of the best years ever for you to re-genius yourself, and the month of June is among the best times in 2009. So how should you go about the glorious task of tapping in to the totality of your original brilliance? Here's one tip. Do what Einstein said: "All I want to do is learn the way God thinks. All the rest is details."

TransLondon Boycott Pride 2009

2009-05-28T11:45:00.002+10:00

With good cause it seems. Check out the full report at their website:

'Last year, a successful Pride march was marred at the rally in Trafalgar Square when a number of trans women were denied access to the women's toilets by Pride security stewards. One woman was subsequently sexually assaulted after being told to use the male toilets. Roz Kaveney, one of the women targeted in the 2008 "ToiletGate" incident, explained how she felt Pride London had only ever provided a grudging apology under threat of legal action, and that she felt they had never taken the discrimination against trans women in the 2008 rally seriously.

During the meeting on May 19th 2009, members heard how the democratic and transparent structure used in 2008 to co-ordinate participation of trans groups and the funds made available for transgender attendees, through the elected Trans@Pride committee, has been abolished by Pride London for 2009. Instead, Pride London have imposed their own unelected "representative" for the trans strand. Furthermore, requests for information about funding, how decisions were made and who participated in the decision-making process, have been rebuffed.

Last year, the elected Trans@Pride Committee consulted repeatedly with over a dozen groups and hundreds of individuals over before arranging travel bursaries for trans people to attend from around the country, hosting a breakfast for marchers on the day, commissioning artwork from a local queer artist as a rallying point for trans marchers, producing banners and bunting, arranging trans performers for all of the Pride stages including the main stage in Trafalgar Square and publicising the arrangements widely. In stark contrast, the meeting heard of how Pride London's appointed trans "representative" for 2009 has simply imposed Pride’s vision for trans participation in the march and rally.

The 2009 pride participation is, so we are told, to consist of a float at the very back of the parade which would pander to the most tired and inaccurate media stereotypes of trans people. Trans women would, in Pride's vision, be dressed in sequins, high heels and fairy wings and, apparently as an afterthought, a few trans men would be invited to pose in football strips. The Pride representative explained that the trans float would complement a float at the front of the march with members of the cast of the West End musical, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert". In her vision, onlookers would be delighted to see "Priscilla at the front and Priscilla at the back". As a coup de grace, a visible cordon of security stewards would surround the trans float, ostensibly "for our own protection". '

Autumn Daze

2009-05-11T09:44:00.010+10:00

'Many and many a verse I hope to write,
Before the daisies, vermeil rimm'd and white,
Hide in deep herbage; and ere yet the bees
Hum about globes of clover and sweet peas,
I must be near the middle of my story.
O may no wintry season, bare and hoary,
See it half finished: but let Autumn bold,
With universal tinge of sober gold,
Be all about me when I make an end.
And now at once, adventuresome, I send
My herald thought into a wilderness:
There let its trumpet blow, and quickly dress
My uncertain path with green, that I may speed
Easily onward, thorough flowers and weed'

-- John Keats
'Endymion'

It feels like Autumn more than ever. The hot water bottle is back in use, bedsocks are worn, and porridge is on the breakfast menu. Washing days are planned according to the weather forecast and laundry often finishes drying indoors.

We are preparing the house for the cold times ahead. Sowing silverbeet seeds and stocking up on soup supplies, feeling compelled to accumulate large stores of root vegetables and tinned tomatoes. Yesterday we hung a patchwork quilt from the bedroom window to keep the heat in, last week we bought door snakes to stop the draught. We still need thick curtains and rugs for the bare floorboards, and to locate scarves and gloves and warm hats. I'm planning flanellette pj purchases, and checking out slippers in the winter catalogues. My mother gave us pots of bulbs, and I am happen imagining what lies beneath the damp bare earth. Spring will come, but first it is time to hide away and grow.

I'm preparing for the Winter Writing Frenzy too: have added instant coffee to the collection for wee small hours consumption, am storing up chocolate and office supplies, photocopying masses of articles and chapters, ordering in large numbers of books from the library, sorting out folders and files. Its a matter of getting things in order, clearing my desk and my rubbish bin and making sure I have enough staples and highlighters to see me through the dark times.

And so my fur grows thicker, my fat deposits and my cheeks are stuffed with nuts...

NEW WORLD WITHOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT-- NEWSPAPER (Just came across a flyer for this)

2009-05-08T15:34:00.001+10:00

Launch Night
7-10pm Wednesday 20th May 2009
Free

@ Little Fish Gallery
22 Enmore Rd Newtown

Performance/ Free Resources/ Snax

www.worldwithout.org

Kitty, Litters

2009-05-05T23:51:00.002+10:00

Our beast of a kitty has decided that a certain side of the kitchen floor is the correct place for her to pee when in the house. As opposed to her litter tray, conveniently located a couple of metres away. Its getting beyond a joke...any ideas on how to stop her? Someone suggested cayenne pepper?

Note The Pronouns SIGH

2009-05-04T12:16:00.003+10:00

Have been trying to formulate some sort of response to this, but have a monster headache so for now here it is as reported by The Age (on SMH website):

'Court lets girl, 17, remove breasts

* Karen Kissane
* May 4, 2009

THE Family Court has allowed a 17-year-old girl to have her breasts removed so she can be more like a boy.

The teenager, code-named "Alex", was on court-ordered hormone medication from the age of 13 to prevent menstruation and breast development. She returned to the court in December 2007 asking for a double mastectomy to make it easier for her to pass as a boy.

The Chief Justice of the Family Court, Diana Bryant, decided it was in the teenager's best interests to have the surgery immediately rather than wait until turning 18. The teenager had been diagnosed with "gender identity dysphoria", a psychological condition in which a person has the normal physical characteristics of one sex but longs to be the opposite sex. Justice Bryant said: "In the end, it wasn't a particularly difficult issue because the only real issue was, 'Would he (Alex) have it at 17 or once he's 18?' Then, he doesn't need permission.

"So the issue was, 'Was there any likelihood he would change his mind in the meantime, and was it in his best interests to have it at that time?'

"Overwhelmingly, the evidence was that it was in his interests. And I made that order. I wanted to make it quickly so that he could have the operation straightaway."

But ethicist Nick Tonti-Filippini said mainstream medicine did not recognise hormone treatments and surgery as treatment for gender dysphoria. He said it was a psychiatric disorder qualifying under American guidelines as a psychosis because "it's a belief out of accordance with reality". "What you are trying to do is make a biological reality correspond to that false belief."

The Chief Justice said Alex had not had any urgent plans to proceed with further surgery when he turned 18. She did not make Alex wait for the mastectomies until of age because the teenager had been living as a boy since the age of 13. "Everyone was absolutely adamant that he wasn't going to change his mind. He was very comfortable . . . that he was going to continue on this path."

The written judgement is due to be published soon. Justice Bryant said it was better for the teenager to have the surgery at 17 because this was an age where she would qualify for support from state social services. This was also a crucial time in her development: "It's a year when he's really cementing his friendships with peers that will stand him in good stead for moving into university and the wider world, and it was very important to him that he be able to do that confidently as a boy."

Justice Bryant said having breasts constrained Alex socially. She had to avoid being hugged by friends, could not go to the beach and had to wear binding. "So it was quite an impediment to his social development, which everyone thought was very important." The decision was not irrevocable: "You can have prostheses and things. So if he changed his mind later on, it's reversible."

Justice Bryant said she heard evidence from medical experts and from Alex, her counsellor and an independent children's lawyer, and she called in the Office of the Public Advocate "because I wanted a contradictor". The vidence was overwhelmingly in favour of the surgery, she said.

Mr Tonti-Filippini said he was also concerned that in previous Family Court cases involving gender dysphoria, the medical experts had been confined to a small group of Melbourne doctors who work with sex changes. Mr Tonti-Filippini said a Melbourne man who had had sex-change surgery at 22 was now suing his doctors because he regretted the decision and felt they had not explored his doubts at the time.

The Family Court's 2004 ruling allowing Alex to take hormones provoked a debate about when children are old enough to make serious medical decisions. There was another furore about a Family Court ruling in 2007 allowing a 12-year-old girl code-named "Brodie", who also wanted to be a boy, to begin a course of puberty-suppressing hormones. The court was told that Brodie had threatened self-harm at the prospect of her periods starting. It was later claimed by a relative that Brodie's mother had had postnatal depression and had "brainwashed" the child by buying her boy's clothing from the time she was a baby and fostering boyish behaviour. Brodie's father had opposed the hormone move.'

Some Days My Brain Hurts

2009-05-04T10:04:00.003+10:00

From NineMSN today:

'Educating children as young as two about how gay parents have children should be a low priority for the NSW government, the opposition says. Responding to a book titled Where Did I Really Come From, which also includes in-depth descriptions of sex, opposition community services spokeswoman Pru Goward said the subject matter was not of interest to young children.The book is advertised as being part of the NSW Attorney General's Office Learn to Include program.

"There is nothing wrong with encouraging tolerance and diversity but why you would do that by talking about same-sex relationships? I find it a mystery," Ms Goward told AAP.

She said the book was more about social relationships than sex education - and that was the responsibility of parents to explain to their children. "Most toddlers won't take much interest, they are more interested in toilet training," Ms Goward said.
"I think there should be other government priorities well ahead of this."

The book's author, Narelle Wickham, says the book is suitable to be read to two-year-olds and has defended it as a mainstream publication. "It is just trying to normalise to children that there are many ways to conceive a child," she told the Daily Telegraph newspaper.'

Umm... did I miss something here? "There is nothing wrong with encouraging tolerance and diversity but why you would do that by talking about same-sex relationships? I find it a mystery" .Mysterious indeed. Perhaps someone should call Poirot?

Silver Linings

2009-05-01T16:24:00.003+10:00

* Monster and I are both sick with some sort of (hopefully not porcine) flu-type configuration. Actually more like a headcold, but has knocked us both considerably. On the upside, this has made for many days of cuddling and caring for each other in soft, gentle ways. Of fluffing pillows and making tea and filling up hot water bottles. Aside from feeling like crap its been kinda nice!

* I have given up eating seafood, and have begun to miss it a bit. On the upside, there are many fun mock-meats to help me get through, and I will be scoffing many of them tonight at the Green Gourmet. Yummy!

* I have been researching booze in relation to vegie/veganness. Some of my fave brews do use fish scales and whatnot. On the upsdie, Coopers doesn't. Neither does Grolsch, or many other yummy pints! Huzzah!

* My thesis has been causing me considerable angst. On the upside, the moments when I do make sense of it all somehow and see that glimmer of hope, those magical minutes when I stumble upon a new article or poem that makes it all seem that little more possible... oh! Sheer delight!

Of Dykes And Men

2009-05-01T15:21:00.003+10:00

Here is a email I sent to a women's kink list, as a response to the persistent harrassment one of my friends gets whenever she goes out in certain 'pervy dyke' crowds. It's not just her either, its happened to almost anyone with tits and a skirt in the scene, and its bloody tedious. Some days I forget that queer does not exist for everyone, and that for some the pinnacle of lesbian/gay/bdsm enlightenment is apparently the right to behave just as badly as the worst examples of heterosexual mandom (aka the Lord Daddy Master Of The Universe Sirs). Stomp! Now, the email:

'This may seem like a bit of a Miss Manners 101, but needs to be said. Apologies for stating the obvious, but it seems its not obvious to all, still:

As women, whatever incarnation that may take for each of us on this list, we have no doubt all experienced the unwanted attention of sleazy men at some point. The persistent, lecherous, hands in all the wrong places, non-consensual insinuation and groping. None of us would agree that this is the price we should have to pay for going out dressed as we want, where we want, with whom we want. Nobody would accept that short skirt= wants to be molested by creepy dudes. Nobody would accept that being out in public with a partner= invitation for obnoxious men to be aggressive and insulting towards our partner. None of us would suggest that when a slimy guy in a pub cops an unsolicited feel we should just giggle and shrug 'oh those boys! they are soooo cheeky!'.

Now, let's extend this a little. Try to substitute 'butch' or 'top' for 'sleazy man' in these equations. Swap 'corset' for 'short skirt'. And think about it next time you are at Manacle, or a SLPA event, or crawling about the Sly Fox. Maybe the 'femme' in the cincher is not actually 'asking for it' and doesn't want your hands all over her. Maybe the woman out with her girlfriend doesn't actually think you are funny or tough for cutting in and being a smartarse. Maybe when the girl you are hitting on says 'no' she actually means it. Maybe the fact that you are a 'woman who plays with women' doesn't give you an excuse to behave like a horrible ill-mannered straight man.

This is a community that I would expect to be well-versed in the concepts of respect and consent. Sure, you can be flirty, you can be witty, you can make bawdy innuendo and double entendre. You can hunt, you can chase, you can play the game. But the game does have some rules, no matter how long you have been around or how much of a super-top-butch-Daddy you consider yourself to be. Hands off when the 'lady' says 'hands off'. Simple.

If any of you are still struggling with this concept, maybe we could run a workshop? I'll be wearing the fishnets and tutu, and carrying the cattle prod.

Thankyou for your attention.'

Life Drawing

2009-05-01T15:09:00.000+10:00

Sydney Leather Pride Association Life Drawing – Tue 5 May

Location: Aurora Gallery

Address: 43 Bedford St Newtown

Cost: Booking essential.

RSVP: curator_leather_pride@yahoo.com.au

Swirling

2009-04-29T20:11:00.001+10:00

Swirling takes up all my time
Makes me know that I'm
Above you

Swirling, curling up in smoke
It started as a joke, but
Love you

Moss
Suspended on a grave
And growing in a cave
Where I can carve your name

Love you

Swirling occupies my life
And if I had a wife, she'd
Be you

Swirling takes up all my time
And if that's such a crime, why
Love you?

Moss suspended on a stone
And down the telephone
To where I call your name

Love you

-- Robyn Hitchcock

Ghetto Grotto Update

2009-04-28T13:59:00.005+10:00

As I type our Perth belongings are being delivered by the somewhat gruff moving men. Exactly two weeks after they was supposed to get here. Hmmm, am alternately still very miffed about the shoddy service and jumping about with glee at having it all here at long last. So far it all seems to be present and accounted for, double bonus... Our fridge! Our cookware! Shelves! The second conjugal bed! Chairs! Dining table! Coffee table! Artworks! Oh, its like living in a real house again!

So much unpacking and reassembling to do, on so many levels...

Speaking of which, Monster is planning little trips away all over the place whilst I am stuck here in Thesis Town (Melbourne, Perth). Which made me a little jealous until I realised that a) I am very much desiring to stay in one spot at the moment, to the point of hardly wanting to leave the house (nerd attack of a major fashion), b) I get more Uni work done when she is not here to distract me so a few days here and there on my own will be quite handy and c) I will be in Brisbane in July, Newcastle in October, possibly Perth in October and Melbourne late November. This is probably enough travel for one little Monster for this year, no?

WANTED: Perverted Poetry! Leather Literature! Purple Prose!

2009-04-28T12:33:00.003+10:00

Yes, its time for Sydney Leather Pride's annual

Bob Buckley Spoken Word at
Aurora Gallery Level 1/43 Bedford St Newtown
Wednesday May 6 from 7:00 pm

If you would like read, recite or ramble your own (or other's) dirty, smutty, filthy, kinky words on the night please register your interest with Micah at micah.horton.hallett@gmail.com . Or just turn up a tad early and he'll fit you in somewhere, somehow (he has a knack for it, promise).

Of course, it needs an audience too, so come be entertained!

Pure And Simple Over You

2009-04-28T12:26:00.001+10:00

click here for today's little bubble of sparkle and shine from youtube...

night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to colour from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and i love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and i love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you

if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swin around your eyes
i've found a place i'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth i relize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time

lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you

-- The Lightning Seeds
'Pure'

Succour

2009-04-26T00:35:00.001+10:00

At Perv Box Brownie last night (24th), with Necrotitties-- more pix on my facecrack!

Pink Elephant

2009-04-23T16:51:00.000+10:00

More from ABC.net.au:

'A Polish politician has criticised his local zoo for acquiring a "gay" elephant.

Local media reports the elephant, named Ninio, prefers male companions and will probably not procreate.

"We didn't pay 37 million zlotys ($15.5 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there," Michal Grzes, a conservative councillor in the city of Poznan in western Poland, was quoted as saying.

"We were supposed to have a herd, but as Ninio prefers male friends over females how will he produce offspring?"

The head of the Poznan zoo said 10-year-old Ninio may be too young to decide whether he prefers males or females as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14.'

Breathe In, Breathe Out

2009-04-23T16:04:00.001+10:00

From ABC.net.au:

'A bar in Britain is offering the unique experience of entering a room filled with a breathable cocktail.

For five pounds ($10.50) visitors are allowed into a room filled with a cloud of vapourised gin and tonic.

Stays in the room are limited to one hour at a time, which a team of doctors has estimated is the equivalent of between one and two standard drinks.

A spokesman says patrons are being advised to "breathe responsibly".'

Random Acts Of Sydney

2009-04-21T13:31:00.003+10:00

Our furniture and other belongings have still not been delivered to us by the company who is moving them from Perth (due one week ago today). Strange, and annoying somewhat. When Monster came home on Sunday afternoon she was greeted with a new doormat, which neither of us had purchased or placed there-- no note or indication of who had either! The mat has flowers adorning it, and is very pretty. Odd. The weather is all over the place-- sunshine one minute and hard showers the next. And on Saturday night we went to Rockin' the Random at a nearby warehouse. Bands, suspension show, and a wild collection of wastrels I hadn't encountered in a long time (one of them now wearning a truly delicious Poirot moustache). It was magnificently trashy, in all sorts of unexpected ways...

Sydney always delivers on the randomness, that's for sure. And I love her for it.

PERV FILM FEST

2009-04-21T13:18:00.002+10:00

I be doing something with Necrotitties on the Friday at Box Brownie, and lurking around most of it I should imagine...

PERV
Thursday 23 April - Sunday 26 April 2009
film sessions and opening night $5 each
or
Festival Pass $25, includes opening night PERV Peep Show. The Box Brownie Flash tickets sold separately.

PERV is a new international film, video and performance festival dedicated to QUEEROTICA. Encompassing a four-day program of screenings, installations, panels, parties and play that promise to stimulate, titillate and engage. Highlights include:

The Perv Peepshow Launch party
7pm-10pm Thurs 23 April $5
DJ Tokyolovekitten
Host Mr Big Pants
video sculptures, projections, peek a booth, slides
a celebration of installation, from the radical to the retro.
Drink up the sounds of DJ Tokyolovekitten as you mingle with the works of Lady Penelope, Marion Conrow, the peeping tomboy, Adonis, Kino 55, Samuel Hodge, Regret and more.. Join our special review tour of installation destinations with the honourable member Mr Big Pants.

The Box Brownie Flash 9pm-1am
Friday 24 April $20/$15
A very special night where all experimental media play goes, queer performers bend your lens with KK No Pants, Catheterine and Necrotitties, Adonis, Crash, Sarah Greenwood, Regret, Mighty Hermaphrodity, Stranger Danger, Tara Cook, and more with DJ Gemma and VJ Mim Visuals

Katrina Del Mar PERV’S Festival guest - meet the film maker
6-8pm Saturday 25 April $5
Katrina Del Mar’s infamous gang girls have been tearing up our screens since 2000. As a guest of the festival, this renowned New York filmmaker dishes the dirt on her formidable cast of truck driving sluts, roughnecks, petrol heads, surfer girls and candy lickin’ bikers. Del Mar will also introduce new works A Beautiful Death and Punchin & Crussin. Be one of the first to check out her lecherous lesbian vampires as they sink their fangs into each other at this premiere event.

Archiving tales with Tom Fairweather
1-3pm Sunday 26 April $5
Photographer Tom Fairweather has had his lens trained on the Sydney queer scene for many many years. Join him and Domino (Slit Magazine ed) in conversation over lunch and a cup of tea as they chat about some of his
favourite shots in his newest slideshow.
Food by the amazing Jaffle Café.

Perv International Short Film competition
7-10pm Sunday 26 April
Celebrate the best global purveyors of queerotica with mistress of ceremonies Kellie Jean Drinkwater. Cast your vote for the film that rocks your jocks to decide who takes out the seriously cheeky prize for the Audience Award. An illustrious panel of experts will also be on hand to present the Grand Jury Prize.

Check out PERV for the full film festival program

SPURS ON ANZAC DAY

2009-04-21T13:14:00.001+10:00

Drag out your lagerphone and polish your biggest belt buckle for the Spurs be playing! YEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

CLick here for info

Here We Are Now, Entertain Us...

2009-04-19T16:59:00.003+10:00

An anonymous someone just commented that my blog now bores them. I have taken this on board, and have decided to ask you, my reading public and dedicated fanbase, what you would like from blog. More smut? More art? More gossip? More lactation? More pictures? More stories about porridge? More rants? More opinion? More politics? More bloodshed? More romance? A gardening column? Crochet patterns? Real estate advice?

Of course, you may not all be relying on my blog as a primary source of entertainment. If you are though, do let me know how I can best serve you. Thanks.

Jockette Strap Update

2009-04-09T15:19:00.003+10:00

Rang the maker of the mistaken identity underwear, and explained ever-so-nicely that I did not want the girly version of the boy item (so to speak)-- I wanted the one I ordered. He seemed somewhat surprised, and explained in his defence that he didn't quite understand my 'character'. Notions of gender performativity aside, it did appear he thought I was engaged in some sort of vaudevillian cross-dressing. TOO MANY MUSICALS perhaps? Hey, if stereotypes are good enough for the goose...

Whilt I was at I took the liberty to explain that 'girls' may not quite have the kinds of fumblings that he imagined. Or that they might, but that there was a WHOLE LOT MORE TO 'FEMALE' sexuality, and sexuality in general. And some of it was very sticky, and involved accessing parts in ways he hadn't considered. In sufficient detail to just get him to make what we ask for how we ask for it!

Sometimes being patronised would be a lot less horrible if people REALISED they were doing it. I mean, totally clueless to what an insensitive misogynist patronising schmuck he had been. But sweet enough when called on it I suppose? Arrrgh, I get so BORED of this game.

Am I Not Tranny Enough?

2009-04-09T00:19:00.004+10:00

Today I went to pick up the leather jockstrap I had ordered a wee while ago. Custom. Black. Leather. Jockstrap. (Yes, like a BOYS jockstrap. LIKE YOU MAKE FOR THE BOYS, the gayboys, the leather gay boys-- just to fit my figure.) Seemingly simple. There was even a picture on the website I was shown. Same thing, with a few minor adjustments.

For reasons unknown it appeared with a very shiny/patent red trim all around it, and nothing at all like the one on the website. Like a girly bikini, sort of, with a jock-strap back. AND RED SHININESS. I have no idea what I did to deserve this horror, apart from having the audacity to be born willy-less. He is changing the trim, thank the god-dess of gender-upending, and I have requested he 'butch it up a bit.' I live in hope.

Of course, the Monster's leather-goods are all black and buckly (if suffering other eccentricities-- what DO BOYS THINK WE 'GIRLS' DO???). Obviously she didn't get red trim or girliness, not when she goes about wearing them trousers all the time, not like me with my skirt-wearing and my curious lipstick. No. All of this from people I thought were 'family'.

Bloody hell. Some days I am tempted to just chuck it all in, start ticking the Miss box on forms and forget all about r/evolution. Its tedious, its really hard work and on certain nights when the lights are out I barely have the energy to even cry about it anymore. But then boys don't cry do they? I love my crew here and will be sad to leave, but I miss my queer family SO MUCH at times like this. Bah. Only four more sleeps.

Ghetto Grotto

2009-04-08T10:43:00.005+10:00

Apologies for not updating y'all on my whys and wherefores of late-- has been a busy old time! We head back East this coming Sunday, and have found ourselves the lovely Grotto in the Ghetto. 'Tis nice and central, affordable, we move in next Tuesday with the Tempest (the kitty we be keeping) and should have stuff out of storage shortly thereafter. Fingers crossed it all keeps going so smoothly...

It will be good to be back 'home' for the most part. Miss my family a lot, and my close mates, and my supervisor and my library. And the harbour, my fave dumplings, queer clubs and culture, markets (not very many over here), that kind of thing. I miss sitting in Varga Bar talking Kristeva and performance, I miss wandering through the Gardens after a trip to the gallery, I miss my strange menagerie of artists, activists, poets, writers, perverts and dress-up partners. I need to be back in a world of salons and theatre and magic and wonder! Perth is ever-so pragmatic and I miss the mysteries of my hometown-mistress, its the whitewashed anglican antithesis to my decadent catholic tastes...

Having some hard thinking time about some Sydney-ness though. Being away from the 'scene' has given me space to ponder what I value and what is actually really damaging to me, and reassess the communities and habits I have just fallen into because they seemed to be what fitted best (even though they are often quite unhealthy). Sod that. Have an inkling the secret may be in quality over quantity, but its such a tricky balance I expect. Hmm.

Mixed Business at The Red Rattler

2009-04-03T13:05:00.002+11:00

Sex Workers & Lesbians Come Together, Queers, Ho's and Supporters Welcome

'Come and experience the best the inner-west queer sex worker scene has to offer - merchandise, magazines, food, drinks and performance at the wonderful new venue Red Rattler. Dj's. Performers Juliet November, Vashti Hughes, Ginger Schnapps, Mighty Hermaphrodite and Stranger Danger, more to be announced.. $15 waged $10 unwaged entry fee, funds raised go to Scarlet Alliance.'

Host: Red Rattler, Scarlet Alliance, LOTL, and many many more
Type: Party - Benefit
Date: 07 May 2009
Time: 19:00 - 23:00
Location: Red Rattler, 6 Faversham St,Marrickville, Australia

Happy House

2009-03-28T13:34:00.004+11:00

After many months of painting, sanding, oiling, cleaning, sugar soap, mineral turps, cuss words, strained muscles, pots of coffee and the odd nervous breakdown the HOUSE HAS BEEN SOLD, SETTLED, VACATED. We said goodbye and thankyou to it yesterday, tenderly mopping the hallway and sweeping down the porch, picking the last of the ripe lemons and grabbing handfuls of fresh rosemary. It was sweet and sad, and today I feel a little lost, but still a feeling that all is right in the world too.

A friend said yesterday that her years have themes (2009 being Beauty). I'm thinking mine is Completion and Closure- project one, Monster's house, is done and dusted. The second major project to get through is my thesis, and that is mostly under control I think/hope.

There's something satisfyingly proper about the way the Monster and I are going about this all, it feels like the way 'we' should begin. A sorting out of the past and honouring where we come from and what we bring to the whole affair, a period of transition and consolidation. Sifting through boxes of books and trinkets, evaluating habits and scenes and ways of being, working out what to keep and what needs to be passed on, what benefits and what stifles.

And so soon to Sydney, but not in a way I have been there before.

International Journal of Gender, Science and Technology

2009-03-28T12:54:00.000+11:00

Found this on a list...

The International Journal of Gender, Science and Technology is an
independent, peer reviewed, open access journal that welcomes
contributions from practitioners, researchers and policy makers
concerned with gender issues in and of science and technology. The
phrase gender, science and technology intends to encompass a wide
definition of these disciplines both in terms of methodological enquiry
as well as subjects of research.

Our aim is to help foster and provide a focus for constructive debate
and interchange of ideas between key players and experts in this field.
We are interested in sharing knowledge and new understandings in
relation to policy development, analysis of challenges and responses in
education and employment, critical insights from companies,
professional societies and other organisations about the impact of
gender equality strategies, as well as perspectives from science and
technology studies - and other related issues. We welcome contributions
from a variety of disciplines and interdisciplinary perspectives and
drawing on a wide range of theoretical frameworks.

We are currently inviting submissions in the form of
· Full empirical research and theoretical papers
· Practitioner case studies and reports
· Opinions and perspectives from policy-makers and industry
For further information, including details of the submission process:
http://genderandset.open.ac.uk
Any enquiries please contact Dr Jenni Carr - IJGST Project Officer
(j.g.carr@open.ac.uk)
The first issue will be published online in July 2009 (latest
submission for this issue is April 30th)
Further issues will appear every 4 months. We look forward to hearing
from you!

This journal is being produced by the Open University UK in partnership
with the UK Resource Centre for Women in SET

---------------------------------
The Open University is incorporated by Royal Charter (RC 000391), an
exempt charity in England & Wales and a charity registered in Scotland
(SC 038302).

Bloodhound

2009-03-23T00:23:00.005+11:00

'When you start bleeding, you talk all night... Here's the place where the scent got lost'*

On Friday I went along to my local bloodbank to donate some red water. 16gauge, into vein with barely a pinch, bag filled up quickly, and volunteered to give some plasma when I get back to Sydney. Afterwards the nice ladies gave me some cheese and bikkies, and I realised as I spoke to my waiting-room buddy that I was WIRED. Totally hyped and talking at a zillion words a minute. Out on the street, walking to work at great speed, had to call dear Necrotitties to return to some state of semi-calm before I reached the office. Had forgotten the adrenalin rush-- its been a while!

Late in the evening the flood came, the painters arrived, Aunt Flo came to call. Considerably less fun, more painful in a bad way, and less productive (though more cathartic really, being the tears of my unfulfilled womb and all). Maybe I should feed it to the plants, or make art out of it?

*H&C, Dog

Moving Right Along...

2009-03-22T15:54:00.004+11:00

Movin' right along in search of good times and good news,
With good friends you can't lose,
This could become a habit!
Opportunity knocks once let's reach out and grab it (yeah!),
Together we'll nab it,
We'll hitchhike, bus or yellow cab it!
(Cab it?)

Movin' right along.
Footloose and fancy-free.
Getting there is half the fun; come share it with me.
Moving right along (doog-a-doon doog-a-doon).
We'll learn to share the load.
We don't need a map to keep this show on the road...

Movin' right along.
We're truly birds of a feather,
We're in this together and we know where we're going.
Movie stars with flashy cars and life with the top down.
We're storming the big town,
(Yeah, Storm is right should it be snowing?)
(Uh, no I don't think so...)

Movin' right along...

-- The Muppets

Cannot decide whether the Monster is Fozzie and me Kermit, or the other way around. Either way, despite the various disasters and dramas of renovating, packing up and getting out, I'm awfully glad we are moving right along together. Syn City, here we come!

Sucker City

2009-03-16T13:03:00.002+11:00

your city's a sucker
your city's a sucker
your city's a sucker
your city's a sucker
my city's a creep

want we want is what you want
want we want is what you want
is free tv
want you want is what we want
want you want is what we want
is a case of the ha ha ha ha's...

your city's a sucker
your city's a sucker
your city is stoned
your city is stoned
my city's in heat

what we want
sex with movie stars
what you want
a career in the
ha ha ha ha

--lcd soundsystem

beautiful time at zoo club last night (perth), for the launch of SPUNK magazine... genderfukbel and i did a really silly messy dirty gender-mashing show to placebo's 'new morning', with cream 'girl juice' and possum fur pasties and bike boots and facepaint and some other folk made a HOT impromptu bondage demo on stage and dj needlenurse was a drag king ripping out his heart and... bj photoshoots in the back alley and free champagne and innuendo and flirtation and bears and jock straps and so many people i barely recognised coming up to me 'you're leaving?? no! we'll miss you!' and...

i'll miss them too.

GO TO THIS SYDNEY

2009-03-10T13:57:00.000+11:00

Rumour has it I may be featured in this issue *blush*...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ISSUE 14 Weird Science
yesss its finally hear ! and its an amazing...!!! profiles, fiction, photos, its an awsume issue! Come help us launch the newest member of the Slit Mag family!

A Weird Science Affair to celebrate.
Get your nerd/geek on and get down to see sexy scientists Anna Westbrook, Molly & the Pony, Roborotic, MoJo Ju Ju , with science nerds to predict your sexual future and MC Zoe and with Bocky from Press Eject's playlisting some tunes in between!!

ITS a HUGE Weird Science Affair
Sunday 15th March 4pm-8pm
Red Rattler Theatre
6 Faversham St
Marrickville
Slit Mags $10

with merch from other great indi publishers so if you don't have your trannie trucker cards yet or the new issue of spunk mag bring some extra dosh !!

The Space Behind My Eyes: Tired

2009-03-08T22:40:00.000+11:00

And then in the midst of it all I stumbled upon this. Thankyou Smurphe!

The Space Behind My Eyes: Tired

Clicking My Heels

2009-03-08T22:13:00.004+11:00

And so I have missed Mardi Gras for the first time in a long time. The photos are slowly creeping onto Facebook-- the Femme Guild, the leather crew, the dancing queens, the hoop stars, the glitter and sparkles and costumes and hugs. The ENERGY, the smiles, the sheer utter joy and celebration of it. Marshalling time, all camera flashes and 'I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT!' and catching up with folk you haven't seen since the last Queer Christmas. Swapping eyelash glue and stick on rhinestones, last minute cable ties and beers.

Tonight in Perth I was meant to be going to Zoo club, the one night of the week when the freaks (such as there are here) come out to play. Monster is unwell, and all of my friends have piked for one reason or another. In Sydney this wouldn't matter, I'd be on a bus doing my eyeliner on the back seat, walking up Oxford Street to Phoenix or some other scene of filth and wonder. Even on a Sunday, any Sunday, the laneways and gutters are alive. Here it is GLBT, no Q. Monster has a shirt someone printed years ago. It reads Queer As F&^K, some spiky haired androgyne next to the text, a pair of interlocked + rings alongside a pair of -> rings. Two boys OR two girls, sealed same sex couples, the ultimate in West Aus queer seems to be when the dykes mix with the queens. Nothing is fluid here, not gender or sexuality or politics or passions, and I am still surprised when I smell sweat on the dancefloor. If there are queers in this city beyond my immediate circle, I don't know where they hide.

My hair is spiked and my fishnets ready, all dressed up for another night on the couch. Mostly I am used to it now, I have my routine of lesbian drinks nights and women's reading groups and hanging with my new crew to get me through.

Tonight though, I'm conjuring the smell of amyl across the Nullabor as I settle down on the couch with DVDs and the Monster. Ah, the Monster. Somehow she makes even this okay.

Vegan Recipes...

2009-03-05T13:57:00.002+11:00

Friend recommended this site, FatFreeVegan.

AND I just received my copies of Garden of Vegan, and How It All Vegan in the mail.

Cooking frenzy on the horizon...

Bone, Brain

2009-02-26T15:35:00.000+11:00

A trembling in the bones may carry a more convincing testimony than the dry documented deductions of the brain. ~Llewelyn Powers

Constant, Craving

2009-02-26T12:02:00.002+11:00

Words for when one just wants to sit still and have some certainty of what will happen next. But knows it isn't possible, or even desirable really:

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.
~Henry Miller

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
~Ellen Glasgow

Femmes Of Power LAUNCH

2009-02-25T19:51:00.003+11:00

i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry... the march activities in sydney just keep coming! for example:

Slit Magazine with the Femme Guild and Feminist Bookshop
present the Femmes of Power: Exploding Queer Femininities Book launch
by Del LaGrace and Ulrika Dahl

Come and celebrate this exxcitng new book a stunning collaboration from gender variant photographer Del LaGrace Volcano and Swedish writer Ulrika Dahl. Stilettos, lipstick, beards: there’s more than one way to be a queer femme. Del and Ulrika travelled seven countries in their quest to explore the notion of queer femininity.

Come and Chat
with Ulrika Dahl (Sweden) with host Kitty Minge (UK)

Thursday 5th March
630-930pm $5
Shows By Vixen Noir (San Fran), Lillian Star, Molly,Dj Pony
Food and refreshments available
Red Rattler Theatre
6 Faversham St
Marrickville

actually, maybe i will cry. vixen is in town doing shows and workshops all over the place and i'm not going to make ONE of them. BIG POUT.

Angles in the Architecture

2009-02-24T13:49:00.002+11:00

Two quotes for this day:

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

and

“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.”

Both Michelangelo, and both very apt for my current creative situation.

TAWDRY HEARTBURN'S MANIC CURES

2009-02-22T16:59:00.001+11:00

The Manic Cures Project

Do Something for Someone in Exchange for an Anonymous Secret
“The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep”

Edgar Watson Howe

You may be wondering just what A World Of Secrets, and Tawdry Heartburn are all about. I have been thinking much the same thing, for quite a while! The name Tawdry Heartburn, a draggy word play on that movie star (and you'd be surprised how many don't get it) has been rattling around in my head for years. Depending which of my buddies you talk to, I've been blathering on about doing something with Audrey Hepburn/ Tawdry Heartburn for 5 or 6 years, but I didn't wanna do just another drag thing. Finally I realised early this year that Tawdry was a man! Funny how if you stick around for long enough, life conspires for a seemingly haphazard confluence of events to add up to something that is possibly well ordered and more significant. Know what I'm saying? Life falls into place and now all the pieces of the puzzle seem to make sense. However, trying to articulate that effectively and succinctly, well that's the trick, huh?

The project is basically a free interactive performance and webwork (web network of sites, blogs, social networking pages) performed by Tawdry Heartburn, who is a character created by performing artist, teacher and qualified nail technician, James Berlyn. I knew that course would come in handy one day. God knows I hated the six months I ran my own business in a hair dressing salon in Sydney in the mid 90s! But that entry, "The Evolution of Tawdry" is for another day.

So, TAWDRY HEARTBURN'S MANIC CURES, can be a street performance or festival gig with just Tawdry doing the nails of participants/audience members, passers by or depending on the budget of the sponsor, promoter, funding body, there can be multiple Tawdrys, but the key element is that the audience doesn't pay. Tawdry does their nails and in return they write down on the note paper a genuine personal secret, and then fold it up like a ballot paper and put it into the cookie jar on Tawdry's table. Of course, they use ASSUMED NAMES ONLY, but everyone is free to interact with Tawdry or the sites at no charge.

So that's the whole box and dice (as I understand it) as of this moment. I have performances coming up soon and more of that later, so let me know what you think : email Tawdry at tawdry@aworldofsecrets.com

On at the Blue Room in Perth for the next couple of Tuesdays. See the website.

Compliments Of A Beautiful Boy

2009-02-22T14:45:00.004+11:00

he wrote:

'i spanked a gothling last night whose little boy arse marked up beautifullyinto shadesof Blue and Purple and Welt and HandPrint. Reminded meofyou.'

with words such as these, i remember who i am. and that it is quite possibly time for a rematch with that dear chap upon my return to the glittering city...

25 Things You Never Needed To Know About Me

2009-02-19T19:29:00.002+11:00

In case some of you don't get my facebook notes:

1. My favourite smells include WD40, frangipani, leather (despite being vegetarian), diesel, amyl on a dancefloor, and the spot behind my monster's right ear. I have a friend across the country who asked me to send her my smell in a postbag.
2. Recently I made a decision to just FORGIVE everyone that had hurt me in the past. It made me feel a lot better and far less injured, but takes some willpower to keep on top of.
3. When I first got to Berlin I waited hours for a friend in OstBanhhof (?), a train station. I was so inspired by Germans, even sausage-eating coffee-drinking pensioner Germans, that I wrote my first piece of erotica. I was in love and lust with that city from the moment I smelled him.
4. I left school when I was fourteen, despite being some sort of freak-geek that came top of almost everything. Or perhaps because of that. When I left school I could do calculus and complicated algebra, and now I cannot divide a restaurant bill. I miss the science-maths side of my brain. I still suffer from bouts of intellectual insecurity, even though I am close to finishing a PhD. No, its not logical.
5. When I was 17 I became engaged, to a man. 10 years later the relationship ended, we still weren't married, and I had never shagged anyone else or done anything kinky. By the end of the same year I had four partners of assorted genders and a highly developed threshold for whips and canes. I was always a very bad sub though, and have a tendency to top even when I am on the bottom.
6. I took acid twice when I was 14 or 15, and then didn't touch chemicals again until I was 27. They still make me nervous, both when I take them and when other people do. Much of this comes from having too many drugged-out partners and watching so many people in my community just disintegrate. That said, I have had periods of alcoholic despair and disaster that have put me in very bad places. In the past year or so I have made very conscious efforts not to go there anymore if I can help it-- and have been moderately successful. Still working on it.
7. I never understood how girls were supposed to act or interact, despite considering myself one. I avoided this for years by mostly hanging around with men, but when I started shagging women there was no avoiding it really. I still cannot compete at gossip, bitchy put-downs or stealing people's partners, but can now play agony aunt, breastfeed and bake vegan chocolate cakes. Maybe that just makes me a Sensitive New Age Fag?
8. I have hung by hooks twice, but not for very long, and want to increase the time I can stay up. I have also done a few flesh pulls, which are simply delicious. I cannot be all cool about piercing or tattooing most of the time, and just giggle and swoon about and moan when being skewered or inked. This disturbs some body-hackers, strangely. What, its NOT a turn-on or freaking big adrenalin rush for everyone?
9. When I was a teenager I used to cut myself with razor blades. It was mostly for dramatic effect, or so I thought at the time. I also refused to go to school, and ended up at some sort of junior happy house for troubled teens. Living with a girl who only quacked like a duck to communicate made me realise that I had a long way to go in the eccentricity stakes.
10. Despite being a gender-bending childless fag I have lactated three times, for reasons of curiosity and art. I wish I found it more sexually entertaining, as its a lot of hard work to maintain and if it was pervy for me I would probably stick at it for longer.
11. My biological family is quite physically eccentric, and I often felt different for being 'normal'' of body- no wheels, all my limbs, pretty average sensory capacities.
12. I love my family a lot. It makes me very sad that so many of my friends didn't have the same level of care and unconditional love that I experienced as a child, and still experience. They don't quite get a lot of the queer stuff, but when I told my mum I didn't think of myself as female she said 'I didn't think you had for years' and I realised that maybe they knew me better than I ever imagined.
13. I grew up Catholic, which is a fine beginning for a pervert and an artist. I did take all of it rather seriously, planning to save myself for marriage (if you didn't count oral) and having a thing for high collars and long skirts. I led my first Communion procession and used to get to read a lot in church. Somehow I always missed out on liturgical dancing though, which made me realise I wasn't one of the pretty and graceful ones. Either that, or I was one of the few they could trust to read out loud.
14. I am half-British, giving me a UK passport and a love of BBC television shows. The Bill (early), Rumpole, To The Manor Born, The Good Life, The Famous Five, The Wombles, Basil Brush, The Goodies-- such things still make me squirm in childish delight! I almost cry when I hear that Thames music. when the picture comes up.
15. When I was young I wouldn't let people shorten my name to Cath because I thought it sounded like a lesbian name. Go figure.
16. I tried for years to convince myself that I could be kind of vegetarian whilst still eating seafood, but have given up all animal flesh now. Still can't quite convince myself to go vegan though!
17. I love Bears, and consider myself trans-species sometimes, and believe I am a 120 kilo Bear trapped in a 65 kilo Girly Body.
18. My first tattoo was a very badly worked butterfly on my back. I fainted twice, and almost threw up, even though it didn't hurt. It is tiny, and a cliche.
19. I have a huge list of things I would like to do after my thesis, including a documentary, and possibly a book based on it. I also want to work with glass, learn metal work and be brave enough to breathe fire. That is as much of a career plan as I can manage.
20. I would love to keep bees, so I had honeycomb available all the time. There is something incredibly erotic about apiary.
21. I have resigned myself to the fact that what I do-- academia, art, etc-- does not make much money but sometimes I still get jealous of people with houses and cars and expensive bespoke suits.
22. I am a tragic old alterna-goth thing at heart, listening to Cure, Smiths, Siouxsie, Lydia Lunch, Nick Cave and such. I often believe myself to be a character from a Lloyd Cole lyric, or maybe one of Elvis Costello's lost loves, and my chosen name is from a Birthday Party song. For years I wanted to be Leonard Cohen's muse. Or the animal in the Hunters and Collector's 'Dog'. I'm licking your hand all over.
23. I like being naked. A lot. Especially at bathhouses, saunas, beaches, spas.
24. Size matters, and I never pack soft.
25. My new favourite word is 'mingent'. It is an adjective, and means 'discharging urine'. It also has the word minge in it, and makes me think of damp fur. Woof.

Wandering, Wondering

2009-02-19T18:46:00.002+11:00

This life is a hospital where every patient is possessed with the desire to change beds; one man would like to suffer in front of the stove, and another believes that he would recover his health beside the window. It always seems to me that I should feel well in the place where I am not, and this question of removal is one which I discuss incessantly with my soul.

-- Charles Baudelaire

A friend of a friend posted this as a comment in reply to a message about wanting to emigrate. It fits perfectly with my own soul-searching about my semi-nomadic lifestyle, and the imagining of who one will be if one is located somewhere else. As I prepare to return 'home' I can't help but fear that familiar places will bring about the return of my less desired elements as well as some I miss...

Spending Pennies

2009-02-19T15:09:00.002+11:00

The World Toilet Info site is not only quirky, but quite useful if one is to venture to foreign parts. Tells you how to ask for the location of the toilette, and also provides points on what to expect when you get there, in pictures and cute English.

Quality Control

2009-02-18T18:52:00.004+11:00

Oh Supervisor today raised the question of whether I want to make it a passable dissertation, or a truly fantastic one. Is it bad that I think I would be happy with the former? Would I? Not sure that I have any great insights to add to the debate really, and unless I amp up the more creative elements of it I'm not sure it will even approach fantastic at all. And how much time and energy do I want to/can I devote to making it amazing? Is it better to keep pushing away for an extra six months to make it super? Or am I better off just leaving it at adequate, quirky and able to pass and getting on with other projects? Given the probability that it won't be read by anyone but markers, folks, and friends, is it worth the effort?

I had just about resigned myself, in a good way, to academic middle-ground. I'm not bad as such, but realise that I am not the next Deleuze. I don't care much for an academic career per se, so its not an issue there. Part of me would still like to be lurking somewhere, with a university library card and access to interesting folk and opportunities, but its not where I see me most of the time. And now my supervisor asks this, out of the blue.

Yesterday I would have settled to just get the thing done, but the fact that she has explicitly posed the question made me think that maybe, just maybe, I could make it something magical.

Camille

2009-02-18T13:49:00.007+11:00

Went to see Camille O'Sullivan last night, with the Monster. It confirmed that I do like champagne in outdoor settings very much, I love the vibe of most art festivals, I miss the Studio (Sydney, provider of much short, cheap, queer and outrageous entertainment) like crazy and I am, and I still find this unusual, finding long haired women with cleavage and a certain smutty attitude very appealing. Think it began again with Julia on Rock Kwiz-- thanks Madame P! Make them flirty, funny, slightly disheveled, and with that particular glint in their eyes and I am gone...

Unfortunately the few people I have actually known over the years who fulfilled that criteria were quite mad in very dangerous ways. Surely there must be a mostly-stable-femme-fatale category?

House Hunting

2009-02-18T12:58:00.003+11:00

We are looking for a house to rent in Sydney, from Early April/Easter. In the spirit of 'putting it out there' here is a brief description of what we are looking for. If you notice anything interesting please do let us know! We have good references, are quite clean and tidy, and can pay as substantial amount up front.

We will need:
2 bedrooms, minimum
To be in general Newtown ghetto precinct e.g. Erskineville, Enmore, Stanmore, Camperdown, maybe as far as Marrickville
Reasonable rent (ie under $450 pw, pref a bit less)
Security features, deadlocks and window locks and preferably bars on accessible windows

We would like:
Gas cooking-- rather important to me
Pet friendly so we can bring Tempy over with us- rather important to the Monster
Courtyard or backyard for entertaining/growing of foodstuffs
Close to transport and shops

Academic Business

2009-02-18T12:49:00.005+11:00

Just had a short chat to my supervisor-- and she thinks my writing is fabulous. Structure is another point entirely, as always, but at least she is happy with the matter,if not the form. Seems to be a recurring theme in my various practices...

Question for the geeks though: how does one find the THESIS? I mean, I have written a LOT of words, and done a lot of research, but not sure where to find the POINT. I didn't start with a question as such-- maybe I should work out what the question is and I will find the crux of the matter?

Oh, and I just received a book on milk in art/photography from MIT (Milk and Melancholy). Not about boob-juice as such, but reckon it might have some interesting ideas and theories anyway. And its an aesthetically pleasing object. Books are a source of torment, but also sublime joy!

Treats

2009-02-14T17:52:00.003+11:00

My folks give me $$ for most celebrations. Christmas bought my new Samsonite suitcase, and birthday, so far, two vegan cookbooks (How it all Vegan, Garden of Vegan), and two sublime new shirts from threadless (not at all like their usual casual cartoon-y styles-- which I LOVE of course). And still have a wee bit left... So many treats!

My City Valentine

2009-02-14T16:43:00.005+11:00

It is overcast here, with sprinkles of rain and threats of storm, and nowhere near the 35 degrees predicted by those supposed to know. We spend Valentine's Day eating muffins and drinking coffee and demolishing our mates' shed with jackhammer, sledgehammer, crow bar, angle grinder, tin snips and brute force. There's a narrow escape for some other and myself when a large wall unexpectedly falls, the panicked survey for damage to life and limb before the adrenalin kicks and we return to work faster than ever. In the middle of all the laughs and innuendo and casual camaraderie I find myself more homesick than usual.

When we get back to our house I hide in my study, looking for sanctuary on the internet and downloading Cure songs with a hope that they will carry me to more familiar places. The Monster nurtures me with chocolate and tea and I realise I miss my city like a lover, her-water-her-moods-her-tastes-her-smells-her-dirt-her-tides-her-perspectives-her-humour-her-nuances-her-seductions-her-people-her-architecture-her-excesses-her-possibilities-her-promises...

'and i forget how to move when my mouth is this
dry and my eyes are bursting hearts in a blood-
stained sky oh it was sweet it was wild and oh
how we...i trembled stuck in honey honey
cling to me so just one more just one more go
inspire in me the desire in me to never go home' (the cure, homesick)

I leave her so much these days it seems. And every time I return she is somehow new, but always the same as ever.

A Room Of My Own

2009-02-13T12:21:00.003+11:00

The renovations are pretty much finished. I don't have to be cleaning anything, or paint anything, or dealing with real estate agents. My only household chore for the day is wait around for the air conditioning guy-- and maybe do some grocery shopping. I am not as sick as I have been for the last week. The Monster is out, meaning I don't have to be engaged in conversation or helping her with anything.

And so I decide that maybe NOW I can get some work done.

The cats run across my keyboard whilst I type. I can't get away from the cats, 'cos I need the internet to do catalogue searches and there in no wireless so I can't use it in another room. And yes, the cats have to be able to walk through here. The printer is producing blurry smudged text where my next crisp clean journal articles should be-- barely legible. The internet crunches and wheezes along, taking ridiculous amounts of time to download articles or even move between pages. I sit and fume and plot and dream of having a suitable working space.

All I want is a safe, clean, quiet study, with a big desk and bookshelves, a comfortable chair, a window, working wireless broadband and a functional printer. I WRITE A PHD. This is not some sort of hobby that I can just faff about with when not playing housewife or kitten-stepmother. IT'S ACTUALLY MY JOB. And I deserve to have a chance to do it well, without having to fight for every hour of uninterrupted work time or be forever traipsing the four corners of the city looking for printing facilities or a quiet library space that might have wireless I can access or staying up into the middle of the night in order to grab a few hours of uninterrupted EndNoting.

When I get back to Sydney I intend to get it. And I don't really care how. I'm in the last year of this project and don't have the time to play around any more.

(And yes, I do sort of feel like the uptight office freak sitting at my desk jealously defending my stack of rubber bands and staples, but so be it.)

Holy Cow, What A Cola

2009-02-13T11:53:00.000+11:00

From SMH online today:
NEW DEHLI: For millions of devout Hindus, it's the real thing: a cola made from the urine of India's sacred cows. The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, a leading Hindu cultural group, has developed Gau Jal or Cow Water, at its research centre in the holy city of Haridwar on the River Ganges, and hopes it will be marketed as a "healthy" alternative to Coke and Pepsi.

In some Indian states, cow dung and urine are sold in regular dairy shops alongside milk and yoghurt. Om Prakash, the director of the RSS cow protection department, said: "It will be a revolution of sorts. The acceptance of cow urine as a potent medicine is increasing day by day and once it comes as a cold drink, its demand will definitely increase. It will justify the high stature accorded to a cow in Indian culture." His team is focusing on packaging, marketing and preservation work to stop its drink from developing an unpleasant odour in the summer heat.