Thursday, June 26, 2008

Up S*&t Creek Without A Paddle

'All of me, why don't you take all of me?...'

I had always hoped that if I were to crap in a plastic container it would be as some sort of art project, a profound statement that 'art is shit' or a reclaiming of my bodily waste as worth venerating, or even an attempt at some sort of scatological sexual adventure, but it seems that no, this is the latest test that my doctor has come up with in the quest to work out Why Zoo Hurts Where Sie Does. I suppose I should do it, really, and write a critique of why pissing in a jar or having blood taken is perfectly okay with me, but the mere suggestion of THAT made me VERY indignant! Ooooh, Zoo not as cool and unflappable as sie thought sie was! YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT, DOCTOR??? And there be no prizes for guessing what colour they use for the lid of the container. Just in case it wasn't REALLY OBVIOUS.

The only question I can really ask is should I do this before or after they shove a probe up my pink bits in tomorrow's ultrasound adventure? (Apparently the latter is quite cool 'cos you can actually see your ovaries and stuff from the inside and all so half looking forward to it). Poked and prodded, images of organs captured and analysed, with various excretions and fluids cultured and counted, well. am beginning to feel like I know more about me than ever some how. That's where my WHAT is? How many white blood cells do I have? Oh, so THAT is how long my kidney measures? Look at the ducts on that! The rub, though, is that someone else understands it more than I do, and this new information is not MINE as such. (And for the record, my gall bladder is rather pretty and stone-free, hence more tests 'cos we still don't really have a clue what is wrong, if anything.)

Cue the Vapors' 'I want a doctor, to take your picture, so I can look at you from inside as well'. Arrgh. I just want them to work it out and it not to be anything really serous and then for offending part to just be ripped out/medicated/beaten into submission adn for me to get back to relatively (bad)painfree existence. This is getting dull. Though probably more so for me than you lot at home reading this!



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