Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Quick, run for cover, she's ranting about lurve again

At the moment I am being very creative. Making shows, costumes, writing, photo shoots, planning trip OS, new projects and pursuits constantly underway. Reinventing, and rediscovering, The Zoo. Mixing with new people, finding new meanings and interactions with old friends. Spending lots of time enjoying my housemates, watching DVDs and eating popcorn while organising parties and outings. Its good, healthy, necessary.

Mostly I do this for myself, for my own peace of mind, for my own sanity. But sometimes I get to thinking 'this will make me a better partner, if I am not so distressed/moody/volatile/dependent/identity-disordered/fucked up. The ones that I loved would not have left me if I wasn't so deranged, so jealous, so needy'. And true as this may be, this thinking is potentially dangerous if I let myself get carried away with it. I cannot, or at least should not, do 'self-care' for other people! Ah, but The Zoo does get lonely sometimes, and craves a 'relationship', even when surrounded by people zie loves and busy with doing things zie loves...

Some days when I eat my porridge and drink my coffee in the morning I miss having that 'special someone/s' to share it with. I miss ROMANCE. I miss spending hours hunting for the perfect present for my beloved's birthday, hiding notes in their bag so they find them at work, making their favourite meal or bringing them cups of tea in bed, being excited as a puppy with a new chew toy when I pick up their scent across the room, sending silly text messages full of injokes that only we understand, borrowing their ugboots to go the corner shop for milk or slouching around the house in their too-big flannie jammies, the comfort of nookie with someone you know so well you don't have to ask questions. Safe, familiar, but still makes the heart beat faster.

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