Wolves and Sheep

Whilst on the energy tangent, I have been contemplating how best to keep negative outside energy at bay without fighting fire with fire and thereby creating negative energy myself.

If someone is threatening to me or my family, on a physical level, then the obvious thing is to come back HARD at them. Someone takes a swing at you or your tribe, you knock them down and ask questions later -- there isn't any time to talk about.

But what if the threat is psychological, or psychic? My instinct is still the same -- you threaten the well-being of me or my crew and I will send you out cold and discuss it when you come around (in a psych* sense of course).

Fortunately, these threats are not as common as they might be, as I am relatively good at keeping the obvious baddies away from the start. But sometimes the odd wolf sneaks through in sheep's clothing, and I find myself suddenly cornered and having to summon all of my wit and my energy to push it away NOW. And its bloody exhausting, but what else to do? Where possible, that is, when the threat is not so big or so immediate, I will delay action and contemplate my moves and seek the past of least damage. Of course I will. But... I don't like having to play hard, and avoid it all I can, but when push comes to shove and extreme action must be taken, what's a Monster to do?

Energy, Levels

Have been doing much work on my body of late, trying to get myself out of this sinusitis slump. Lots of this work has been to do with shifting energy about, from yoga to acupuncture to Thai massage. Energy blockages, stagnation, circulation...

Tried to get back to what was happening in my life when this all began, many many moons ago. I was happy enough, in some ways, but feeling very stuck and trapped in others. This was my life before study, before kink, before queer. I knew I wanted to be somewhere else, someone else, do something more and something else. I just didn't know how, or really believe that it was possible.

And I was, and had been for a long time, very conscious of being TOO MUCH, and having TOO MUCH enthusiasm, curiosity, intellect, creativity, and ENERGY. I usually had partners and friends who moved much slower than I do, and constantly felt the need to pull the brakes HARD so that I didn't lose everyone. Even now I walk more quickly than most people I know, and change concepts and tangents at what is apparently quite dazzling speed.

But for the most part, I have slowed myself down a lot. I feel sluggish, and at half-speed a fair chunk of the time. Some of this is age of course, heaven knows I'm not 25 years old anymore, but a lot of it is the toll of 20-ish years of trying to keep a lid on ME. Its all bottled up, and its eating me alive. It has to go SOMEWHERE, and turned inwards it has just turned destructive.

(I remember, too, that years ago I read one of those advice columns in some magazine(it just may have been in LOTL, of all places *shhh*) where a woman had written in concerning her reluctance to get exercise, eat well, and get fit. The columnist asked her what she was afraid of, suggesting that maybe she was scared of realising her potential. For some reason this hit me hard. Did I do that?)

And so I wonder how much of this physical ickiness is brought about my patterns of thinking, and the devices I have developed to get through the world. Sure, I am a hell of a lot more 'actualised' than I was when this whole health saga began, I'm out and about and all arty and queer and pervy and whatnot, but I still find myself trying to make myself smaller, and less -- less eccentric, less kooky, less scatty, less volatile, less dynamic, less of a handful, less ENERGETIC -- for fear that I will send people running if they are actually confronted with ALL of me. And I'm pretty sure it is doing me damage, but completely unsure of where to begin to change... Work backwards, perhaps, start with the physical and end up with everything else. So more yoga, more meditation, more acupuncture, more MOVEMENT. My energy needs to find its own level.

Scavenger Articles

Here's a couple of bits and bobs of mine that have been published online by The Scavenger lately:

Mattilda Sycamore Bernstein interview

and Furballs or Plucked Privates?

And there is TONNES of other amazing stuff in The Scavenger too!

Doo doo doo Da da da

Stole this from Maggot, and LOVE IT!

"It is not advisable, nor was it ever, to lead a Dada life. It is and it was always foolish and self-destructive to lead a Dada life because a Dada life will include by definition pranks, buffoonery, masking, deranged senses, intoxication, sabotage, taboo breaking, playing childish and/or dangerous games, waking up dead gods, and not taking education seriously."

- Andrei Codrescu

Closets

A very camp older man came into work the other day. Professional type. Made some comment on the workmen downstairs in the room he was supposed to be a having a meeting in (or some such). Mock horror at their blue singlets, followed by quick retort from me re rough trade. Knowing laughs, and he was gone.

Another woman in the office commented on how different he was since he stopped pretending to be straight, and got rid of the acrylic jumpers.

And I got to pondering my own coming outs, some of them anyway, and how the very process of coming out had made me change the way I interacted with the world. Made me bolder, more assertive, more able to explore and challenge and put my foot down when people/society made crappy demands of me. Most of this is obvious, I know, but none of you reading this knew me BEFORE. When I was really shy and awkward and buttoned up, when I didn't sit in cafes on my own or ever get my tits out or travel by myself...

Farewell, Old Salt

Found out the other day that an old workmate had died. He was a crusty old salt of a bloke, a Scottish sailor who worked in the printing service and sneaked a ciggie at every opportunity. Cancer got him in the end, as well it would. I hadn't seen him for quite a while, and guess I didn't know him that well anyway, but I liked him a lot...

Somebody told me that since he was made redundant he had bought a boat with his brother, planning to sail around the world. Then he got sick, and that was that.

So I got to remembering the time I almost had my head blown off, and all the things I wouldn't have done if that bullet HAD hit me. The every day near misses too, the bus that COULD have knocked you down, the cliff you could have slipped off, the deadly snake that might have bitten your bits when you wandered into the bush to pee.

And I vowed yet again never to put off the joyous things in life.

STALLED *CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS*

Working Title: Stalled
Editors: K. Bridgeman and A. Lee Crayton
Contact: stalled.the.book [at] gmail [dot] com
Submission Deadline: December 31, 2010

The range of gender non-conforming folks is broad. We are men, women, genderqueers, two-spirits, trans women/transwomen, trans men/transmen, intersex, bois, grrrls, butchs, faeries, FtMs, MtFs, tomboys, drag queens, transvestites, transexuals, queers, none or maybe all of the above?* In a society that preaches gender as rigid, fighting for gender self-determination can be challenging. For some the process is finite, traveling from point A to point B, while others wade continuously through the mire or transcend altogether. But despite the trajectory of our own personal journey, we all experience the polarizing demands of the binary.

One way these demands are evident is in sex-segregated spaces: changing stalls, detention centers, restrooms, group homes, homeless shelters, locker rooms, and security checkpoints.* These places can be hard to avoid, and interaction with them demands we make a choice about how we will present ourselves. With this anthology, we want to explore the sometimes difficult, layered, isolating, heart breaking, frightening, awkward, frustrating, challenging, funny, and/or queer experiences people are faced with in these settings. Stalled is a space for us to share our stories...


MORE INFORMATION HERE.