Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Energy, Levels

Have been doing much work on my body of late, trying to get myself out of this sinusitis slump. Lots of this work has been to do with shifting energy about, from yoga to acupuncture to Thai massage. Energy blockages, stagnation, circulation...

Tried to get back to what was happening in my life when this all began, many many moons ago. I was happy enough, in some ways, but feeling very stuck and trapped in others. This was my life before study, before kink, before queer. I knew I wanted to be somewhere else, someone else, do something more and something else. I just didn't know how, or really believe that it was possible.

And I was, and had been for a long time, very conscious of being TOO MUCH, and having TOO MUCH enthusiasm, curiosity, intellect, creativity, and ENERGY. I usually had partners and friends who moved much slower than I do, and constantly felt the need to pull the brakes HARD so that I didn't lose everyone. Even now I walk more quickly than most people I know, and change concepts and tangents at what is apparently quite dazzling speed.

But for the most part, I have slowed myself down a lot. I feel sluggish, and at half-speed a fair chunk of the time. Some of this is age of course, heaven knows I'm not 25 years old anymore, but a lot of it is the toll of 20-ish years of trying to keep a lid on ME. Its all bottled up, and its eating me alive. It has to go SOMEWHERE, and turned inwards it has just turned destructive.

(I remember, too, that years ago I read one of those advice columns in some magazine(it just may have been in LOTL, of all places *shhh*) where a woman had written in concerning her reluctance to get exercise, eat well, and get fit. The columnist asked her what she was afraid of, suggesting that maybe she was scared of realising her potential. For some reason this hit me hard. Did I do that?)

And so I wonder how much of this physical ickiness is brought about my patterns of thinking, and the devices I have developed to get through the world. Sure, I am a hell of a lot more 'actualised' than I was when this whole health saga began, I'm out and about and all arty and queer and pervy and whatnot, but I still find myself trying to make myself smaller, and less -- less eccentric, less kooky, less scatty, less volatile, less dynamic, less of a handful, less ENERGETIC -- for fear that I will send people running if they are actually confronted with ALL of me. And I'm pretty sure it is doing me damage, but completely unsure of where to begin to change... Work backwards, perhaps, start with the physical and end up with everything else. So more yoga, more meditation, more acupuncture, more MOVEMENT. My energy needs to find its own level.

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