Sunday, October 07, 2007

The Rules Of Desire

You know when you are struggling with something, trying to put it into words or pictures or actions and then all of a sudden someone else just sums it up in two sentences, right when you need to hear it? Well, dear old NixWilliams just did that for me, commenting on his blog about a book he'd read:

'yeah, didn't you know? ... the only positions from which one can desire are heterosexual or homosexual man or woman. thus meaning you can only desire women or men. you can never desire transpeople, and transpeople can never desire as transpeople.'

And this is where my recent difficulties of desire lay. I don't have a script for love or seduction or lust or longing that doesn't really on some sort of male/female dichotomy. Hetero- one, homo- the other, bi- both. It takes a lot to let go of this, and whilst I am quite comfortable with my own brand of non-genderedness in the rest of my life, it can be quite hard to negotiate when it comes to attractions. I become acutely conscious of being considered female by most, if not all, of my playmates. Sure, in some cases that is part of the attraction (either because as a 'woman' I am their rule or their exception), and in some cases its pretty much neither here nor there to them I'm sure. But still, I am looking for something else.Its not just in the ways that I am desired either, its the ways that I desire too, the way I consider my body in relation to other bodies, the positioning of self as some entity other than girl or boy. It throws my labels into dissarray. It even makes my faggot seem superflous and clumsy, a faggot is a boy who lusts for boys, or even a girl who lust for girls the way boys lust for boys, or a girl who acts like a boy whilst lusting for boys or... see? It makes no sense anymore, any of it. My gender doesn't feel so much fluid as evaporated.

Hmm, can't articulate more than that at the moment, but its a start. Fuck, my tits hurt. I'm beginning to realise that my tits know much more about me than I ever imagined, and quite possibly do a large amount of my thinking too.

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