Saturday, January 12, 2008

Zoo Poo

Having been having myself a right old panicky strange blah day today, for no real reason that I can pinpoint. In the last 48 hours I have:
Found a couple of interviewees for the genderqueer article
Been invited to stay in a tent in the living room of an odd little performance artist in Queens
Been invited to jellywrestle a hot chick (or two) when I get back to Sydney
Had odd train adventures in Sweden (nothing kinky, sorry, just random and randomly fun)
Found out a very sexy lady will be in San Fran when I am and we can hang out
Chatted with a lot of my Aussie mates online
Hung out with my two best Swedish mates
Saw a great exhibition on trafficking at Göteburg World Museum
Ate Swedish meatballs (again, nothing kinky)
Agreed to learn German with a bear back in Aus

And... still, this intense attack of teariness and nostalgia and fear. What IS going on here?

I think part of me is scared to come back home, and I know that the time is coming soon. Scared that coming back will mean coming back to old hurts, old hauntings and old habits. Sure, some of it will be the same- same ghetto, same singledom, same PhD, same mates. This is all good. What I need to let go of are the ghosts that keep me locked into past behaviours and patterns, that keep me longing for things that hurt me and behaving in ways that bear no good for who I am now or who I want to be. That keep me out drinking on school nights and leaving important tasks to the last minute and hiding under my doona for days and not speaking up when I want something or someone and doubting the value of my art and my writing and my being.

If you always do what you've always done
You'll always get what you've always got

No idea where I read that years ago, but it rings true for me. So it is time to set new routines, learn new skills, set up a new house, find a new local and teach myself new tricks for a new trade. Present mood: Optimistic. Its a new dawn, its a new day...

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