RIP Haley

The battle is over. The suffering has ended. God has other plans for her. Ashes to ashes. Thanks for coming.

The text message came on Sunday morning, after I had spent a very restless night tossing and turning without knowing why. I didn't realise the situation back home had taken such a turn, that she had gone into palliative care, that it was crunch-time. From then on emails, details, online eulogies and sympathies. It doesn't seem real yet, its remote, the people who mourn are at the other side of the continent, I have barely heard from anyone at all, and haven't heard anyone speak the fact out loud, its all vague and dreamlike and I won't be at the funeral and I've spent half the morning avoiding sending flowers 'cos then it hasn't quite happened and I didn't really know her that well after all I guess, did I? and...

Trying to work, but just faffing about, can't get my head together to do anything particularly useful, just stay upright and do odds and ends until the panic passes I guess. Want to be there, though have no idea what use I would be if I was?