Friday, December 05, 2008

Nothing But Mammals...

'All those dirty little beasts doing what comes unnaturally' piece by Emma Tom, from the Australian website (thanks to Urban Rev for putting me onto this):

'Google the word sex and there, alongside the predictable plague of free porn sites on the first page of 713 million results, is a short video called Slug Sex narrated by that well-known international pornographer David Attenborough.

"When an individual is looking for a partner, it gives its trail of slime a special taste to advertise the fact," Attenborough gushes as two lusty leopard slugs hook up for a slowie.

After providing a running commentary on the squelchy slug foreplay, Attenborough becomes almost as enthused as his hermaphroditic subjects when the big moment finally arrives.

"Suddenly, the pair start to slide downwards on a rope of mucous (and) each everts its male organ from just behind its head. Now, at last, sperm passes from one slug to other. The transfer is complete!"

Phwoar! I mean, hurrah! I mean, what a sober and completely untitillating educational experience.

Our fascination with the mucousy ropes and oddly situated penises of non-human intercourse is these days being serviced by a motherlode of eminently respectable books, docos and internet sites. Through these we can learn that redback spiders use their sex organs as pivots to somersault on to their partners' fangs for an orgasmic cannibalisation. It's toe-curling -- and also genital-curling -- stuff.

Then there's the Hugh Hefner-ish existence of the male painted crayfish, which shacks up with as many sheilas as he can squish into his coral bachelor pad.

And let's not forget:

* The pygmy chimpanzees or "jungle hippie". (These philanderers pair off for a poke at the slightest hint of danger, stress or boredom.)

* The sexually suicidal blanket octopus. (Males are 100 times smaller than females, which means sex for dudes is of the kamikaze variety and requires the use of a licentious, arm-like marital aid.)

* Aquatic warblers. (Europe's rarest songbirds are the most promiscuous and energetic lechers in the avian universe, with males indulging in orgies of up to 35 minutes compared with most birds' embarrassing one or two seconds.)

...Well, how are upstanding Christians supposed to explain what the Big Guy was thinking when he created the deep-sea angler fish, a breed that revels in an outrageous trinity of vampirism, semen prostitution and snuff sex? The fun starts when the male latches on to the much larger female's side and sucks her blood in exchange for sperm. Their flesh then permanently fuses, with some female deep-sea anglers swanning about with six-packs of suitors still attached. '

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