Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Art of Self-Defence

The city is a dangerous place.

Went away with the Monster and some mates for the weekend, a getaway gift that was too good to refuse. Gorgeous big farmhouse, alpacas, vegie patches, wombats, rabbits, a huge bath, comfy lounges, grand beds, fireplace and PEACE AND QUIET. It was a perfect place to write, to read, to just BE and think and... I didn't want to leave, just get broadband set up and my books and papers sent there and stay for the next six months.

Back to the ghetto now. And I am panicked already-- its too noisy, too crazy, too many people wanting something from me, too much stimulation, too many people clogging up the footpaths, too many trains going past my window. I feel totally drained by this place and this community sometimes, and despite my very conscious efforts before I left here not to surround myself with mad (in a bad, messy, manipulative, destructive,not-playing-well-with-others way) folks, it seems that yet again I am collecting broken things and wondering why I am stressed every time my phone makes a text beep at me, why I jump every time the land line rings or Monster tells me she has spoken to one of our friends. Its almost always something very dramatic, and predominately negative, or so it seems, and I am frigging exhausted by it, by them, by the social worker energy I feel I am expected to maintain all of the time.

Yes, I am more than aware that I am in many ways a broken thing too. I freak and I panic and get into quite mad cycles of thinking and rant and rave. Pot, kettle, black.

All the same, this is not a healthy place for me to be in. Compassionate burnout, an attack of selfishness, whatever you call, I can't do much more of this at the moment.

So will be pulling back on more social things than I had intended-- going to far less events, having many less coffee dates with the energy vampires, staying off chat from time to time, going offline entirely for days, hibernating, doing what I need to do (writing, creating, sleeping, reading, cuddling).

Damn, I hope it works.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Urban R.Evoluationary said...

Course, you could come back to Perth.. the Quiet City. :P

2:59 pm  
Blogger Qr Bhot said...

I don't know what others will make of this, but it sounds reasonable, humanesque and real. I am surprised that it has taken this long for you to get to this point. I sometimes get empathy panic just thinking about how much you have on your plate at any one time :)
Be good and tender to you, or else you will lose the ability to be these things for others when the time comes. *squeeze*

4:59 pm  
Blogger Zoo said...

Hmm... Perth... :P

And Qr-- thanks! It has been a bit hectic these past few weeks, and I could feel myself start to slowly crack and lose my empathy and compassion. So, time out for a bit, from most of it at least, until I done what I need to do and have the energy to cope with it again.

Mwah to you both xx

5:37 pm  

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