Thursday, May 08, 2008

Ghost Dance

The Westie sent me my stars today, all the better to cheer me up and perhaps ease my fretting over some strange and traumatic rememberings and events of late:

Put bad memories and ghosts of the past behind you. It is time to forgive yourself and others, look to the future and gamble on speculative ventures.

This is particuarly relevent at the moment when my PTSD from an abusive relationship has returned just a little (read panic, hyperentation, mild agorophobia, hypervigilence, constant apologising when its probably not appropriate), and a recent lover has come to remind me of times I would rather forget- of a Zoo cowering in a corner and crying to be taken back into arms that she knew would smother her, of a Zoo giving up her studies and her arts to mollycoddle smoked paranoia, of a Zoo making exuses for her absences and inability to smile or bounce, and of a Zoo being dumped by many of her mates who had watched it happen and then decided she wasn't fun enough anymore. It was a bad space, a bad time, a barrage of bad blows to my ego... and when I encountered someone who reminded me of her and it well, I went straight back into war mode, not knowing whether to hide in the trenches or come out with guns blazing. In the end I think it was a hysterical and ineffective mixture of both- I'm not good at either confrontation or camoflage so I get a little stuck in the open.

Still, now I realise what is happening, that I am scared, very scared, of that piece of past repeating, maybe this time I can let it go. There is so much to look forward to, and for all my past has shaped me I cannot let my future be governed by it. Not again.

So, time to speculate...and venture.

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