Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Forgive+Forget

I'm very disappointed in you
and I don't handle disappointment well
I'd like to say I could forgive you
But I can never forgive; just forget
Now it would take me ten long years to forget,
That's 12 months of the year
four weeks of the month
and seven days a week
Well that's a very tall order, I got to say--
I don't have that much time to FORGET
That's a whole lot of hard and lonely time
When we could be together
Husband with this knife
I do you adore...

-- Diamanda Galas
'Do You Take This Man?'

All alcohol and cigarettes
There is no room for cheap regrets

-- Boys Next Door
'Shiver

As my grand gift to the world this year, and myself nonetheless, I have decided to forgive everyone who has ever done me wrong. Everyone. Without discrimination. It's not easy, and even as I type this I am listing and replaying a selection of the offenses and abuses in my head-- and it hurts. A lot.

It's time for an emotional detox, into rehab, get rid of the junk feelings and the bad habits. It's scary, REALLY scary, but even thinking about it makes me feel lighter, liberated, free. I realise that I may well need to 'fake it til I make it' in terms of not flinching when certain people enter the room, of consciously NOT recalling past injuries or reliving the darker parts of my past, or pretending to myself and everyone else that I don't want to be back there on some level. And I need a safe space to retreat to, and avoid certain more dangerous places where the temptation to dwell on earlier injuries is strong. Its like an alcoholic avoiding their local pub, or not allowing booze in the house... One day though, you just KNOW it needs to be done, for the good of all concerned, and that you can do it. So here it is. Done, or at least a work in progress.

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