I Do Not Want What I Have Not Got*

I do not have a house of my own.
I do not have a husband, or wife.
I do not have any children.
I do not have any sort of real career.
I do not have any money to speak of.
I do not have any of the traditional markers of 'success'.

Maybe it is a post-birthday flip-out. Or a reaction to being refused entry to a straight club last night for no valid reason (not trashed, not trashy, not rude, not against dress code). Maybe its just what happens when I am surrounded by a lot of people with mortgages and proper jobs and weddings and baby plans- and that's just the queer folk. Maybe its just not having 'my tribe' around me but...

I could have had the Hallmark card. I had the makings of it: fiance, plans for a 'family', a job in finance. By now I could have four kids and a fifteenth wedding anniversary and a part-time job teaching and my house in the 'burbs half paid off. But I left it because I didn't want it, and still don't. But then sometimes, for whatever reason, I begin to feel insecure, wonder what I am doing with my life -- the script gets re-started and suddenly I am crying over breastfeeding and real estate agents and wanting a share portfolio.

Which is awful, and silly, because this is actually what I chose to do BECAUSE ITS WHAT I WANT. And it serves me well:

I have the gorgeous Monster.
I have an amazing family and unconditional love.
I have a spectacular set of loyal, creative, dynamic and generous mates.
I have an amazing queer community across the globe. And an artistic one too.
I have enough money to survive comfortably, for the most part.
I have the freedom to change location.
I don't have to worry about my public profile as such, or whether my workmates will see me dancing to the Spice Girls at the Court.
I don't have any obligations to children or pets.
I have a good education that enables me to access a wide variety of possibilities.
I have initiative, spunk and wit, and I will realise my plans and dreams in some way or another. I do every day.

And I do not want what I have not got.

*In the words of St Sinead.

Forgive+Forget

I'm very disappointed in you
and I don't handle disappointment well
I'd like to say I could forgive you
But I can never forgive; just forget
Now it would take me ten long years to forget,
That's 12 months of the year
four weeks of the month
and seven days a week
Well that's a very tall order, I got to say--
I don't have that much time to FORGET
That's a whole lot of hard and lonely time
When we could be together
Husband with this knife
I do you adore...

-- Diamanda Galas
'Do You Take This Man?'

All alcohol and cigarettes
There is no room for cheap regrets
-- Boys Next Door
'Shiver

As my grand gift to the world this year, and myself nonetheless, I have decided to forgive everyone who has ever done me wrong. Everyone. Without discrimination. It's not easy, and even as I type this I am listing and replaying a selection of the offenses and abuses in my head-- and it hurts. A lot.

It's time for an emotional detox, into rehab, get rid of the junk feelings and the bad habits. It's scary, REALLY scary, but even thinking about it makes me feel lighter, liberated, free. I realise that I may well need to 'fake it til I make it' in terms of not flinching when certain people enter the room, of consciously NOT recalling past injuries or reliving the darker parts of my past, or pretending to myself and everyone else that I don't want to be back there on some level. And I need a safe space to retreat to, and avoid certain more dangerous places where the temptation to dwell on earlier injuries is strong. Its like an alcoholic avoiding their local pub, or not allowing booze in the house... One day though, you just KNOW it needs to be done, for the good of all concerned, and that you can do it. So here it is. Done, or at least a work in progress.