Saturday, October 14, 2006

Moody Blues

On-again, off-again. Hot, cold. S/he loves me, s/he loves me not. Week to week, day to day, hour to hour, chopping and changing, with a bewildered and exhausted Zoo struggling to keep up with the latest development and somehow falling into believing that she actually caused this instability. That it is her fault that her partner/s suffer wild mood swings and treat her with little to no respect.

How much time have I wasted over the last two and a half years waiting for the axe to fall even when I am happy? Being with people who will show me all the love in the world one minute just to take it all away the next? Who will play power games with my emotions, keep me in a constant state of uncertainty? Who will completely withdraw their affections on a whim, then come back all cuddles and pats the next minute? How many times did they walk out on me and I let them back in? Begged them to come back even? For what? Another few days of happiness with that ever-present fear/knowledge that it is about to be all taken away again?

I'm sure this is a psychological tool used to wear people down in prisons and such. Whether deliberately intended by these partners as a form of torture or not, it is manipulative and cruel. I feel somehow like I am in some doco on abusive relationships, like the bashed wife arguing that hubby only broke her nose 'cos dinner was late and she really deserved to be beaten for her incompetence. In this case its Zoo crawling around justifying her partners breaking the telly or completley ignoring her or standing her up or lying to her on the excuse that it must be because Zoo expected too much love or spoke out of turn.

When did I begin to believe that I deserved to be abused? Do I enjoy being treated like that? No, or maybe... If I didn't why would I stick around for more? Don't I really believe that I deserve better? Sure, I am not perfect. But I can't seriously believe that my mistakes really call for such harsh and prolonged punishment? Can I?

And more importantly, how to break out of this cycle?

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