Friday, October 13, 2006

Back to Basics

Mate. Lover. Fuckbuddy. Mistress. Husband. Wife. Best Friend. Worst Friend. Play Partner. Significant Other. Travelling Companion. Girlfriend. Boyfriend. Primary Partner. Secondary Partner. Daddy. Girl. Boy. Master. Mistress. Slave.Top. Bottom.

Figure it is time to start right back at the beginning with this 'relationship' stuff if I really want to work out what I want. So to start with the language, with definitions (so often the source of confusion)... What is a 'Relationship'?

Dictonary.com tells us

–noun
1.a connection, association, or involvement.
2.connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3.an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4.a sexual involvement; affair.

1. dependence, alliance, kinship. 2. affinity, consanguinity.

I was once in a situation which I believed to clearly be a 'relationship' yet the other person claimed it was anything but. Hanging out together all the time, sharing jokes, road-tripping, planning holiday adventures, planning to move away to the country (as housemates, not 'shacking up'), shagging, shagging about with others, sharing dreams and roadside macadamias and all of that. It was quirky, it was fun, we laughed a lot and I thought we both were happy with our 'Mates Who Fuck' status. But my Other considered me Insignificant it seems, and couldn't consider it a 'relationship', as we didn't do the bf/gf thing (do Mates not count as relationships? What about Lovers?). I thought we had moved beyond that, to some new and exciting space, not that what we had was not a relationship, but that it was a different and more fluid form of relationship. But this person did not agree. Which meant that, to this other person, whatever it was that we had held lesser value and could be more easily dismissed that if we had been doing the bf/gf routine. Huh? From what I can surmise,in this logic, if we had run it along traditional lines, then I would have a right to feel abandoned when the whole thing was suddenly called off, whereas now I am expected to not care because IT WAS NOT A RELATIONSHIP. No right to miss anything, not the company or the in-jokes or walking the dogs or just lying in the sunshine together, not the chatting, not the fucking- it was nothing, meant nothing, nothing to regret losing... This cannot make any sense to me. I am not supposed to miss a good friend who no longer wants to see me? Not to be hurt at being cut out of the life of someone I love? How? And more than how, Why? Why shouldn't I be grieving about losing a connection to someone that I valued so deeply?

Is it only a relationship if you call it one? Is is simply a question of naming? Does it have to conform to some set of Relationship Rules in order to qualify? Do you need Official Relationship Titles? You be the Boyfriend, I be the Girlfriend. You be the Wife, or the Mistress, and I'll be the Husband or your Sleazy Old Boss. How do you create anything new? Can you?

Hmmm... I'm tired of thinking about this, discussing this, but somehow I still have to. It still doesn't make sense to me. And it still HURTS. Losing love is losing love, no matter how you name it.

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