Monday, October 22, 2007

Never Again

'Never again' is what you swore
The time before...

- Depeche Mode
'Policy of Truth'

Alcohol is a depressant, true. And I have been blind half the weekend, and now I am all flat and melancholy and uninspired. Surprise! Oh, and ever so slightly coming-down, not just from minor sparkliness but from the buzz of socially butterflying and being fabulous that leaves you with a bit of a void when it is over and you are back to the daily grind. Sure enough, I LIKE most of my daily grind a lot, but today it all just seems sad and grey and like not much fun. Seeing Laurie Anderson tonight, and then pulling an all-nighter at Uni after that, so do have something to look forward to but...

In a bit of blahness about the Singleness of Zoo. Sure, I'm getting much better at it. Just seemed like all weekend I was surrounding by couples that were madly in love and still going strong after years of being together, and wanting it badly. Want the someone who I can travel with and play house with and who I can cuddle up to on cold nights, all the predictable Hallmark card stuff. I want someone to buy flowers for and someone to bring to Christmas dinner and to have camping adventures with and to make porn with and to trust enough to... well, all that.

But after the last two serious affairs, the almost-married de facto business and the one I was going to run away with up North, after the 'this is it, no it isn't, ah, THIS is it' of promises and leavings I don't know that I could risk it again. Maybe. Maybe there is someone who won't end up leaving me for the exact same things that made them love me in the first place.

Bah, this is ridiculous! Pull yourself together Zoo! More coffee! A hot shower! Go flirt with someone or plan your next photo shoot! Schnell!

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