Friday, August 01, 2008

This Will Sound Really Cocky, Or, First Among Equals

I have what I want. Not quite ever expecting to get it, it didn't occur to me that it would be quite unsure of how to cope with it if I did. But now I find myself in an odd situation, and although delighted am a bit bewildered and in need of a bit of an ego-shift. You see...

I am used to being the brightest spark in any relationship I have been in.
The one with all of the energy and passion.
The motivator, the instigator, the communicator.
The one who has been to the art galleries and outdoor sculpture exhibitions.
The one on all of the email lists, who picks up the programs and has all of the connections to be aware of anything going on.
The one who gets the invitations to openings and queer happenings.
The one who volunteers, who is involved in the community.
The one who introduces like-minded people, the networker, the facilitator, the social butterfly.
The one who works the crowd.
The one who is desired, and desires.
The one who is always curious, and hungry for new experiences.
The one who knows, and is known.
The one who has been there, done that, and is just about to do it all again.

I am NOT used to having a partner who independently tapes Gilbert and George documentaries, or even knows/remembers who G&G are/can get themselves together to tape TV program. Or who goes to lectures on indigenous spirituality, or has the guide to the independent film festival before I do, or used to volunteer at some queer kiddies' centre, or is lusted after by almost every man, woman and 'other' in any given place, who plays dress-ups as well as I do, who shapeshifts and dances,who revels in the absurd, who respects monstrosity, who actually actualises, who can quote Carroll and Lear, who makes endless wordplays and picks flowers and doesn't think I am odd for wanting to go walking amongst the fungi early on a Sunday morning. In short, I am not used to having a partner who is like my me or my mates. Its a very pleasant and liberating change.

It is a sad reflection on my pot-smoking, alcoholic, dysfunctional, socially retarded, uninspired and generally quite dull and dulled former partners and playthings that I find having such a Monster to be quite overwhelming.

It is also a very sad reflection on MYSELF. And the fact that unconsciously, though with an uneasy and increasing awareness of the fact, I have for a long time chosen partners and playthings who couldn't keep up the pace. Its an ego thing, its a power thing, its a control thing. Its the same reason I never went to a selective school and took so long to make it to Uni-- its that fear of being at the lower end of brilliant that keeps one hovering at the upper end of banal. This behaviour needs to stop NOW.

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