Friday, February 23, 2007

Tantrums, Tears and the Taste of T

SLIT T Issue launch was interesting, to say the least. Wore the vagina dentata knickers I made, thus getting three Ts in one shot- teeth, twat and tail. Oh, and I threw on a tiara for good measure. Not many other people seemed dressed to theme, but there was still plenty to perve on and of course the art was rather sexy(and the magazine is great). There were the obligatory exes, one who was quite fun to catch up with and another,the Ouchy Ex, who hurt me quite a bit with her carrying on. (I must try to remember that people will be cruel without realising it sometimes, and even if they mean to be mean it doesn't necessarily follow that I am horrible or somehow deserve it. Serious glitches in my thinking here.)

After the launch a whole pile of us ended up at The Newtown to watch the new strip night, as A Certain Boy was performing. He came out as Mr Tool, was introduced as a former girl stripper from San Francisco and with 'TRANNY' scrawled across his torso and then, well, stripped... sigh... To explain a bit of what I felt watching him: when I was younger I was obsessed with The Birthday Party song 'Zoo Music Girl', and could never quite work out whether I wanted to be ZMG or fuck ZMG. In the end I decided on both, and that's the way ACB makes me feel. He's who and what I would still like to be entangled with, but he is also something that I want to be (just with more colourful tattoos, and nipples). Goddam, that is one BEAUTIFUL boy!

Then went to Impy with a Sweet Boy I'd met once or twice before, drank more beer, got stupid and abused the Ouchy Ex mentioned above (see below), and ended up being dragged out of there by the SB and back to his place for a bit of this and that. Was nice to be able to cuddle and chat without complications, just lying underneath the fan drinking tea and flipping through gender books and wallowing in our hangovers. Made me remember that sometimes interactions can be simple and sweet. Very refreshing.

Home with a crushing vagueness, missed worked, feeling pretty embarrassed yet again at making a scene with the OE. I just can't seem to get over the rejection, especially when there has been no closure, no definate handing back of possessions, no recognition that it isn't ever going to work out. It all just dwindled away in a haze of 'I need some time' and 'we should tone it down a bit' until one day the phone calls weren't returned at all and I was just left to guess that I had been dumped and to feel uncomfortable going to my usual social spaces and now... its horrible. Want to work it out with her, not to get back together but to be able to be happy to see her and to be able to share a beer and a laugh and chat like we used to. Just to be cut out, completely, is awful. I love her, and miss her silliness and her smile and her cheekiness. I want to be able to spend time with her, or at least exist in the same room without pain. But how to make it right when talking is obviously out of the question? Maybe I need to try to forgive her whether she wants to reconcile or not, maybe I don't always need to wait for permission to make peace.

Blah, spending the afternoon with NattieTheFlattie, the LWord and cups of tea and job-hunting- rather pleasant despite my melancholia. Must NOT get involved with anyone new, just can't cope with the constant threat of rejection. Speaking of which, debating whether to attend the sex party on Sunday. I'm alternately incredibly excited and incredibly scared at the thought of having to cruise and negotiate, and don't know how much I am able to put myself out there. Hoping there are a least a few of my regular playpals to get down and dirty with, as don't think my ego could cope with not getting any shagging at a party designed for just that! Hmmm... should I risk it or not?

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