Saturday, February 10, 2007

You Think I'm Psycho Don't You Mama?

Have myself booked in to see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy trained psych next Friday. Wish me luck-I know I've got a lot of work to do. Need to begin with dealing with the most destructive of my behaviours, ie, the panic attacks. Sometimes when I panic I do it without any harm to others, just hyperventilate quietly in my room or wander around a bit vague and jumpy. But other times it is much worse. Once I start to really disassociate (I can get quite 'out-of-body) it can make me rather irrational and unable to communicate, and then I tend to self-medicate with beer, and then I have even less grip on reality and often end up wailing like a banshee and/or screeching/texting obscenities at people I perceive to be the cause of my woes. And then I spend the next week panicking about making a fool of myself and too scared to go out in case I run into the victim/s of my rant (or witnesses to it). I feel horrible about being horrible, as while most of the time the victim has behaved pretty badly towards me (and thus 'deserve it') it usually doesn't justify the level of aggression they cop. Of course, panicking isn't good for me either but at this point its keeping others safe from my hysterical attacks that is my primary motivation.

Once I have myself at least a little sorted in that regard then I will hopefully have the headspace to work on some of the issues that I've buried for a long time. When I finally cracked the whole vanilla-hetero-monogamous routine I did so with a vengeance, from engaged in the 'burbs to five-way poly bi and leather Daddies in about ten months. Sure I have read a lot and talked a lot and experienced a lot since then, but think there is still much that I need to resolve somehow. Especially around gender identity- I never questioned the whole 'I'm a girl' thing until very recently. (I did always have an inkling or two that I was ahem, same-sex attracted, and liked girls.) Hmm, my head hurts just trying to fathom where to begin. Tonight I get beaten up and hopefully hooked and pulled, which is therapy of a sort. Got to start somewhere...

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