All dressed up and... A night of Almosts

Geez, was a spectacularly weird and grumpy and melancholy and utterly disturbing Blue Moon festival that was.

I was supposed to do a hook suspension tonight. All detoxed and primed, then pissing rain and too cold to do anything outdoors (where the frame is). So decide to do a pull. Swabbed down and marked up and ready for the hooks and... can't take them. Suddenly don't want the pain, afraid of it, really really really just not wanting it at all. Knew I COULD take them, could go through with it, would survive the ordeal, but knew it would hurt. Not just physically either. Can't fathom why, but watch the others do pulls and cheek hooks and spears and almost vomit with longing to feel the metal through my flesh. But when it came to it earlier, just couldn't. Why? Didn't trust myself, didn't have that inch of faith required to believe that I could pull it off. Damn, my back still aches in the places where the hooks should have been, and I crave the sensation...

So, all titchy and wired from that experience. Want a cuddle, and the beautiful Buxom Wench is at hand. Boy rings me, and suddenly he is all that can comfort me, want his cuddles,want to just nestle into the side of his neck and know that I am ok, just for a moment before we both disappear into the night. But he has just finished work, and now he is going to a party and I get all shirty and pissed off with him. Its illogical to be annoyed with him somehow, but this whole thing is illogical. I rarely safeword, and always cop at least as much as I promise! What made me call it off so close? Damn it all, I should have just been brave and taken the hooks and now I would be floating but... what stopped me?

So, all distraught and wanting to expain to Boy that I was being a bit strange and he shouldn't take it personally but... too hard to explain it all somehow. Mood just getting more ridiculous, but valiantly trying to rescue the situation. Have some beer, watch some pool playing, chat with friends and try to fathom my way out of such an ODD headspace. Want some pain, but this is not immediately available. Decide to salvage what is left of my energy and optimism and head to the freaky Fashion Show with BW. Its pretty, we dance with the goths and perve at the corsets. Friend turns up with her fuckbuddy (?) and invites me to get messy and have a threesome. Snog both of them, much talk of who and what and how and more snogging and then... can't get any sense about where or when. Fair enough, as they both pretty mangled, but find myself disproportionately stroppy with the fuzziness of it all and get mighty impatient. Girl can't wait around forever, chemicals or not! So share a cab home to our individual abodes with the BW, who reminds me of how grumpy-arse and strange I was all night and the wasted opportunity I had with her. Dang! Sometimes the icky stuff just snowballs, and I can't dig myself out anymore!

Maybe it is the full moon last night to blame. Maybe the hormonal mood swings from the lactation project. Maybe I'm pre-menstrual, though this is unlikely. World just seem all off-kilter somehow? No hooks, no nookie, strange vibe between everyone, all just flat and lost its shine somehow.

To bed now, with my flannelette sheets and my hot water bottle, perchance to dream of something more pleasant. Depressing and unsettling post I know, but promise to be Pollyanna in the next one :)