Friday, September 22, 2006

Everyone Loves You When You're BiNary *EXPANDED AND EDITED*

Boy VS Girl
Pleasure VS Pain
Nature VS Technology
Mind VS Body
EmotionallyEntangledandStiflingMonogamyLoveStuffVS CasualFreeEmotionlessSex

I am in the process of trying to disentangle myself from someone who told me that relationships essentially ran along these latter two distinct models. This scared me, and confused me greatly, because I thought we were constructing something else entirely, believed that I was in the middle of a creative process involving the conception of other/hybrid/mutant ways of relating and not just replicating heteronormative dualisms of Wife/Mistress, Madonna/Whore, Married/Single, Love/Lust ("She's a great root but you wouldn't marry her"). I imagined the end result would be somewhat akin to the Monster Of Ravenna:

... an unfortunate child apparently born in Italy in the early 1500s, who was, according to speculation at the time, the progeny of either a ‘a respectable married woman’ or ‘the union between a nun and a friar’ (Leroi 2004: 2). Seriously deformed, with a horn on its head, hermaphrodite genitalia, and two serpents at its waist, the ‘monster’ was starved to death under order of Julius II.

Think maybe our union did produce something like that (at least in zygote form) . But as with the Monster, it was so unexpected and hard to translate into meaning and threatening to the status quo that someone decided that it must be killed. Starved. (How apt when I am gagging for it!).

So, this has all caused much soul searching and asking of myself what it IS that I actually believe about 'love' and other affairs of the heart and passions. And I came to the conclusion that things are not as Black OR White to me as they appear to be to some. I don't deal well with Either/Or, much preferring to have plenty of 'And' options at my disposal. Years ago I gave up identifying as Bi because I don't 'swing BOTH ways'- I swing MANY ways. I am always getting confused as to where my skin ends and the world begins, where my insides become my outsides. The lines that it seems I am expected to draw between lovers and mates and friends and fuckbuddies and family and casual shags and drinking buddies are always smudged and bleeding over the edges. Blood, cum, sweat, tears, piss, saliva blurring boundaries... and I am happy to wallow in the filth and the messiness and the chaos.

I was thinking that maybe being brought up in a big chaotic and extremely loving family has greatly influenced the way I percieve relationships these days. I know I can share my emotions and my affections and my energies between many people. In varying degrees and distributions, various means and modes- all valid and valued. I can conceive of, and act out, loving more than one person at once. I can love the one person in more than one way. I know that if I feel love for Person B then it doesn't mean I have love Person A any less. Its not a finite source, there is enough for everyone! It expands to accomodate. I can share, because I know there is enough to go around.

Geez, I sound like a hippy. Should fit right in to Lismore then :)

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